NEW YORK, NY — BlackRock CEO, co-chair of the WEF, and part-time Bond villain Larry Fink delivered a keynote this week reminding ordinary citizens that “austerity is freedom,” declaring private car ownership “a relic of the past” and strongly suggesting the public “learn to love crickets as protein.”
“Do you really need a car when I have sixteen?” Fink asked rhetorically, sipping imported water from a diamond-encrusted goblet. “Personally, I get around just fine in my fleet of Gulfstreams. Why not share an electric scooter with twelve strangers while nibbling on beetle pâté? It’s the future, peasants.”
The billionaire, whose company manages more wealth than most nations, assured the audience that personal sacrifice builds “character,” and that cutting back “feels good for the soul — especially when it’s other people doing it.”
“The planet can’t survive your Toyota Corolla,” Fink warned. “But it can survive my 40,000-square-foot Hamptons estate with an indoor wave pool. The math checks out. Trust me, I have people for that.”
Sources close to the World Economic Forum confirmed they are “fully aligned” with Fink’s vision, and are reportedly beta-testing a “Bug Nuggets Happy Meal” that will be rolled out by 2027.
At press time, Fink was spotted leaving the event in a 17-car motorcade powered entirely by fossil fuels, where he was overheard reminding aides: “Make sure the public knows we’re all in this together.”
