SEATTLE,WA — In a breakthrough scientists are hailing as both “world-saving” and “deeply unsettling,” billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates announced Tuesday that he has successfully developed a technology that converts atmospheric carbon dioxide into an endless supply of baby oil—destined entirely for Sean “Diddy” Combs’ devious use.
“This is the moon landing of climate innovation,” Gates told reporters while lubricating a sample beaker between his palms like it was the Holy Grail. “Not only will we sequester billions of tons of carbon from the atmosphere, but Diddy will finally achieve his dream of owning a 24-hour, Olympic-sized oil slip-and-slide.”
The process, known as Carbon Infant Liquefaction (CIL), reportedly compresses greenhouse gases into a “smooth, fragrant essence of infant,” which, according to sources close to Diddy, is “the only thing that keeps him glistening through yacht parties.”
“He was burning through three barrels a week,” said a Gates Foundation spokesperson. “We either solved this problem, or Miami was going to be completely dry by 2026.”
Technology for this revolutionary product was borrowed from another recent Gates business venture, where he has invested in a process that converts CO2 into butter. Gates, ever the entrepreneur, quickly realized that the volume of oil consumed by Diddy far outweighed the amount of butter being consumed by Americans.
Environmentalists, while initially skeptical, now credit Gates’ discovery with reversing decades of climate change. Global CO₂ levels have plummeted, coral reefs are regrowing, and glaciers are refreezing—all while a steady convoy of baby-oil tankers heads directly to Diddy’s mansion.
Critics, however, worry about the morality of tying humanity’s survival to one man’s freak-off routine. “This is geoengineering at the service of one very moisturized billionaire,” said climatologist Dr. Helen Drew. “If Diddy ever stops holding freak-offs, the planet could collapse overnight.”
At press time, UN officials confirmed that while the atmosphere had stabilized, catastrophic environmental damage would occur if Diddy’s oil supply chain “dried up”.
