BOISE, ID — In what legal analysts are calling both “a historic precedent” and “the dumbest goddamn thing anyone has ever seen in a courthouse,” attorney Mark Holloway successfully sued himself in civil court this week after slipping on his own icy front porch, arguing that he had “recklessly and negligently failed to shovel in a timely manner.”
Holloway, who appeared in court representing both the plaintiff (himself) and the defendant (also himself), opened arguments by dramatically wheeling into the courtroom on crutches and immediately shouting: “This man ruined my life!” before pointing at a mirror propped up on the defense table.
Courtroom Chaos Ensues
Judge Lorraine McHenry admitted she “briefly considered retiring on the spot” as Holloway proceeded to alternate seats between the prosecution and defense tables, cross-examining himself with what observers described as “Oscar-worthy hostility.”
“Isn’t it true, Mr. Holloway, that you knew the porch was covered in snow?” he barked at himself.
“Objection!” he shouted immediately afterward, also at himself. “Speculation!”
“Sustained,” the judge sighed, rubbing her temples.
At one point, Holloway attempted to impeach his own credibility by presenting text messages he had sent to himself at 7:32 a.m. reading: “Dude, you should probably salt the porch.”
Jury Awards Damages… Sort Of
After deliberating for 14 minutes and stress-eating most of the complimentary donuts, the jury awarded Holloway $200,000 in damages. However, because he was also the defendant, Holloway is now legally obligated to pay himself $200,000.
“So… he won and lost at the same time?” asked a confused juror afterward. “Does he just move money from his left pocket to his right?”
Legal Community Reacts
The American Bar Association issued a statement calling the case “a tragic misuse of legal resources” but also admitted it had “incredible potential for billable hours if more attorneys start suing themselves.”
Numerous law firms (always searching for a reason to act like assholes) are now exploring the concept as a business model, with one Manhattan partner reportedly saying: “If we can just get every lawyer in the country to file lawsuits against themselves, we’ll have solved the recession.”
Holloway Already Planning Appeal
Despite the verdict, Holloway insists the fight isn’t over. He has already filed an appeal against himself for “judicial bias and excessive damages,” and sources confirm he intends to represent both the appellant and the appellee.
When asked if he regretted the ordeal, Holloway said only: “I’ll see myself in court.”
