“Artisanal” Tipping: Douchington’s Latest Money-Grab Scheme
NEW YORK, NY. – Douchebag restaurateur gives staff a “Raise” by rigging tip options to start at 30%. In a bold move to “empower” his team without actually paying them more, local restaurateur and self-proclaimed “hospitality guru” Doug Douchington announced this week that he’s generously increased his employees’ earnings—by adjusting the tip options on the digital checkout system to start at 30%.
Douchington, owner of the trendy yet mysteriously always-empty farm-to-table eatery Essence, describes the move as a “visionary solution to fair wage issues,” proclaiming that his employees are now among “the highest earners in the entire city, assuming customers choose the right buttons.”
“People talk about a ‘living wage’ all the time,” Douchington said, gazing off into the distance with all the authority of someone who just read an article about minimum wage on Twitter. “But I think we need to go beyond that. I wanted my staff to have a thriving wage—and what better way than by boosting those tip buttons? They go 30%, 40%, and 50% now, because let’s be real: anything less is just insulting.”
As Douchington sees it, the new setup is a win-win. “People in this town love being generous,” he explained. “So I’m helping them get to that point faster, without all that awkward decision-making between 15% and 20%. The ‘No Tip’ option? Gone. I won’t allow stinginess to poison my restaurant’s vibe. It’s all about creating a culture of gratitude… for my margins.”
Douchington has also clarified that this isn’t just an adjustment to boost tips—it’s an “artisanal approach” to compensation. “See, I’m giving customers the chance to become ‘micro-philanthropists,’” he said, beaming. “Each tip is an act of empowerment for our staff. I mean, when you start at 30%, that’s basically activism.” At the cash register, he added a small sign that reads, “Don’t Just Tip—Transform Lives.”
Employees, however, have mixed feelings about this newfound generosity. “It was great at first,” admitted Emma Jenkins, a server who had been working double shifts to make ends meet before Douchington’s big “raise.” “Until he casually reminded us that all these new tips are pooled… and that he’s keeping a ‘small portion’ for operational ‘enhancements.’ Next thing I know, we’ve got an artisanal kombucha tap, but I still can’t afford my electric bill.”
Jenkins also noted that Douchington introduced the tip change just days after he announced he was raising menu prices by 25%, a strategy he described as “essential to supporting our groundbreaking payment model.” Now, customers are confronted with $17 avocado toast and the option to tip an additional 30% on top of it. “If that doesn’t scream ‘progress,’ I don’t know what does,” Douchington said, adjusting his fedora with the quiet confidence of a man who’s never had to live on minimum wage.
Many customers have expressed confusion and mild horror at the tip prompt, wondering if they’d missed some news about tipping inflation. One bewildered diner told reporters, “I thought maybe I hit the wrong button when I saw the 50% option flash up. The avocado toast was alright, but I’m not trying to bankroll someone’s kombucha.”
For Douchington, however, every complaint only reaffirms that he’s on the cutting edge of hospitality. “Sure, some guests might find it ‘excessive,’ but that’s because they don’t understand how the industry is evolving. Hospitality isn’t just about service anymore; it’s about the experience of giving. I like to think I’m teaching my customers the beauty of generosity—at 30% minimum.”
Rumor has it that Douchington plans to expand his “raise” policy to include other innovative compensation techniques, like charging diners a “staff happiness fee” and offering employees bonuses paid entirely in store credit. When asked what his staff thought about the changes, he nodded thoughtfully, saying, “Oh, I don’t actually know—I try not to mix with the help.”
As the hospitality industry continues to struggle with questions of wage fairness and sustainability, Douchington is confident that he’s cracked the code. “I see myself as a pioneer,” he said. “Some people open restaurants for food or for community. I’m here to start a movement.” And with that, he headed off to adjust the wine menu prices—because, he reasoned, if diners are tipping 50%, they might as well pay $18 for a glass of house white.
“Artisanal” Tipping: Douchington’s Latest Money-Grab Scheme “Artisanal” Tipping: Douchington’s Latest Money-Grab Scheme
