Washington D.C. – In a move that would leave even the Founding Fathers scratching their powdered wigs, Congress held an emergency session this week to remind Americans of the true meaning of July 4th: soundly defeating the British Empire.
“Apparently, some people have forgotten what this holiday is all about,” huffed Senator Bartholomew Bombastic, brandishing a faded copy of the Declaration of Independence like a battle axe. “It’s not just about backyard barbecues and overpriced sparklers! It’s about asserting our dominance over those tea-sipping, crumpet-loving limeys!”
The confusion seems widespread. A recent poll revealed that a concerning number of Americans associated July 4th with:
- Hot dog eating contests: While impressive, Congress argues, this doesn’t exactly scream “revolutionary spirit.”
- Retail sales: Apparently, many view the holiday as an excuse to snag a good deal on patio furniture.
- A vague sense of freedom: Freedom to do what, exactly? Wear socks with sandals? This is not the freedom the Founding Fathers envisioned, according to several red-faced senators.
Historians are beside themselves.
“We spent years drilling the Boston Tea Party into their heads!” lamented Professor Penelope Patriot, waving a miniature fife and drum set in frustration. “Did they miss the part where we threw a bunch of tea into the ocean to spite the British? Was that not clear enough?”
Congress has launched a multi-pronged campaign to re-educate the public. Schools will be mandated to reenact the Battle of Bunker Hill with dodgeballs (to minimize injuries). Patriotic parades will be encouraged to replace marching bands with musket demonstrations (with strict safety protocols, of course).
“We need to remind Americans what it means to be a true patriot,” declared Congressman Craig Colonial, adjusting his powdered wig (a questionable fashion choice, even for this campaign). “It’s about remembering the thrill of victory, not the agony of burnt hot dogs!”
The future of American July 4th celebrations remains uncertain. But one thing’s for sure: Congress is determined to ensure that future generations don’t confuse a backyard cookout with overthrowing a tyrannical empire. Now, if you’ll excuse them, they have a very important meeting to discuss the proper way to fold a flag into the shape of a bald eagle.
American’s Gather To Once Again Celebrate Kicking England’s Ass, American’s Gather To Once Again Celebrate Kicking England’s Ass
