WASHINGTON D.C. – In a stunning turn of events, a leaked intergalactic memo reveals extraterrestrial researchers have officially ceased all anal probing of American citizens. The memo, titled “Project: Earth Glutes – A Cautionary Tale,” cites logistical challenges and a growing concern for the well-being of their probes.
“Frankly,” the memo reads, “it’s just not feasible anymore. The average American posterior has simply outgrown our standard probing equipment. We’re talking constant malfunctions, probe jams, and frankly, some very unhappy probologists.”
The memo goes on to detail the “unforeseen anatomical challenges” encountered during recent missions. Apparently, the prevalence of double-cheeked wonders and “ample cushioning” has rendered traditional probing techniques obsolete.
“We initially thought it was a malfunction in the cloaking technology,” confided one anonymous probologist, “but then we saw the sheer size of things. It was like trying to park a Winnebago in a Smart car.”
The decision to abandon American probing has sparked outrage among conspiracy theorists. “This is a cover-up!” shrieked one tinfoil hat enthusiast at a recent UFO convention. “They’re just trying to hide the truth about the space lizard people!”
However, leading scientists have applauded the alien decision. “Perhaps this is a wake-up call,” remarked Dr. Pamela Gluteus of the National Institute of Buttology. “Maybe it’s time we Americans focused on a bit more exercise and a bit less Big Gulp.”
Meanwhile, the aliens have shifted their probing efforts to nations with a more “svelte” population. Reports indicate a surge in probing activity in Scandinavia and sub-Saharan Africa.
One thing’s for sure: American asses have officially become too big to bother with. So, the next time you hear a strange whooshing sound overhead, rest assured, it’s probably just the aliens on their way to probe someone a little more… manageable.
Aliens Stop Probing Americans Aliens Stop Probing Americans
