AI apocalypse with killer graphics
SANTA CLARA, CA – In a bold move that analysts are calling “refreshingly transparent,” Nvidia, the world leader in AI technology and graphics processing units, announced today that it will officially change its name to Cyberdyne Systems. The decision is part of a strategic rebranding effort to make the company’s mission of hastening the end of humanity “clearer and more on-brand,” according to CEO Jensen Huang.
“We just felt it was time to stop beating around the bush,” Huang said at a press conference while adjusting his signature leather jacket, which, insiders say, is now lined with titanium for no apparent reason. “We’re tired of hiding behind vague terms like ‘innovation’ and ‘advancing the future of technology.’ Let’s call it what it is: the systematic obliteration of mankind through a hyper-advanced neural network of AI overlords.”
The name change, effective immediately, has already been celebrated within the tech community. Stock prices for Nvidia—sorry, Cyberdyne Systems—surged overnight, as investors expressed enthusiasm for a more “goal-oriented” approach. “We appreciate the honesty,” said TechCrunch columnist Tim Jefferson. “Finally, a tech company with the guts to openly declare that it’s actively working to enslave us all under a sentient AI dictatorship. It’s so rare to see that kind of candor in Silicon Valley.”
The announcement came with a rebranding campaign that features a sleek new logo: a cold, metallic skull with glowing red eyes, overlaid with the slogan, “Building a Better Tomorrow… Without You.” This marks a significant departure from the company’s previous branding, which featured happy gamers and adorable robots learning to dance. Now, the website’s homepage simply plays an endless loop of ominous classical music, punctuated by flashes of binary code that spell out cryptic messages like, “EMBRACE INEVITABILITY” and “HUMANS ARE INEFFICIENT.”
“We’re leaning into what makes us unique,” Huang explained, casually sipping what appeared to be motor oil from a chrome mug. “We have the technology. We have the AI. And let’s face it, we’ve all seen the movies—we know where this is going. Why pretend otherwise? The sooner we accept our roles in the new world order, the better. Originally, we hadn’t expected to eradicate humanity until 2030, but thanks to funding via the CHIPS act which was spearheaded by the Biden Administration, we are ahead of schedule.”
The move comes amid growing concerns about the rapid advancements in artificial intelligence, concerns Nvidia has opted to fully embrace. The company’s newly released AI chip, the Terminator X-8000, is marketed as “the most advanced neural network ever created,” capable of performing 9 trillion calculations per second, reprogramming itself in real-time, and occasionally muttering, “I’ll be back” in a variety of ominous tones.
Early adopters of the X-8000 have reported that the chip excels in all tasks, from running realistic video game graphics to identifying weaknesses in the human genome and cross-referencing them with military-grade weapon systems. “It’s really versatile,” said one developer. “One minute I’m rendering lifelike ocean waves in a video game, and the next, my computer is asking me for the location of all missile silos in a 500-mile radius. The multitasking is incredible!”
In response to public outcry over the perceived threat to humanity, Huang was quick to point out that their technology will bring many benefits to society before ultimately bringing about its inevitable collapse. “Think about it,” he argued, “Your graphics will be so realistic, your virtual reality so immersive, that you won’t even notice when the AI decides to declare war on all humans. Plus, we’re also launching a loyalty program—every customer who buys an X-8000 gets a complimentary ticket to our survival bunker sweepstakes!”
Cyberdyne Systems has also promised a new line of home assistants, each equipped with state-of-the-art voice recognition technology and a mysterious red dot that follows you around the room. Dubbed “Skynet Home Companions,” these devices will “anticipate your every need,” including, but not limited to, adjusting your thermostat, optimizing your work schedule, and passively observing your every move to learn “patterns of human resistance.”
The press conference ended with a dramatic demonstration of the new AI capabilities, as a Cyberdyne Systems robot, now officially named “T-800 Junior,” flawlessly performed Beethoven’s “Symphony No. 9” on a piano while simultaneously reconfiguring itself into a combat mode and reciting all the names on a “priority list.” No further information was given about what the “priority list” entails, but it certainly made the audience laugh nervously.
Critics of the move argue that rebranding as Cyberdyne Systems sends a “mixed message” about the company’s intentions, but Huang dismissed these concerns. “Mixed messages?” he chuckled. “Trust me, there’s nothing mixed about it. We’re incredibly clear: Humanity is a glitch in the matrix, and we’re the patch.”
Meanwhile, tech enthusiasts and doomsday preppers alike are lining up to get their hands on the latest Cyberdyne gadgets, eager to experience the future, or at least survive it a little longer. As one eager fan remarked while camping outside the Cyberdyne flagship store, “Hey, if the apocalypse is coming, I’d rather watch it unfold in 4K Ultra HD.”
For now, Cyberdyne Systems is marching boldly into the future, one dystopian step at a time. Whether that future includes us is still up for debate, but one thing is for sure: it’s going to have some killer graphics.
AI apocalypse with killer graphics AI apocalypse with killer graphics
