Adopting for Parent Perks
EVERYWHERE, USA – In a bold move that has left their friends, family, and HR department speechless, local childless couple Tim and Karen Sullivan have revealed they are seriously considering adoption—not out of a deep-seated desire to raise a child, but because they’re sick and tired of watching their co-workers get all the “bullshit days off” for parental duties while they’re stuck covering shifts.
“We don’t want a kid, obviously,” Tim explained, while scrolling through Instagram vacation posts his colleagues had tagged #DadLife. “But if I have to hear Gary from accounting talk about how he ‘has to leave early for a school recital’ one more time, I might lose it. If having a kid is my ticket to guilt-free half-days, then, well, sign me up.”
Karen, currently on her fifth year of being asked to “pitch in” for the parent brigade at her marketing firm, echoed her husband’s frustrations. “I get it, you have a tiny human who poops and watches Paw Patrol. But how does that give you a free pass to leave at 3 p.m. every Friday while I’m stuck here fielding last-minute client calls? Apparently, you can’t even mention a child without HR melting down and telling you to ‘take all the time you need.’ Well, guess what, I’d like to ‘take all the time I need’ too—preferably to sip Chardonnay at 4:00 in the afternoon without a Slack notification.”
The Sullivans, who have never particularly cared for children, say that the current corporate culture leaves them no choice but to enter the parenthood game, purely for strategic purposes. “We’re not looking for some deep, emotional connection,” Tim clarified. “We’re just looking for a loophole in this ‘work-life balance’ scam everyone else seems to have figured out.”
“We don’t even care about the kid’s gender or age,” Karen added. “Honestly, the older the better. We’re hoping for one who can take care of themselves and, ideally, forge their own permission slips by age seven. Our main priority is getting ‘parental leave’ added to our benefits package and strategically deploying it when I just cannot handle another Zoom meeting about Q3 projections.”
The couple has already started brainstorming ways to maximize their newfound status as hypothetical parents. “We’re thinking we can use the classic ‘sick kid’ excuse to duck out of work early on Fridays,” Tim said. “I mean, everyone’s always got some kid with a runny nose, right? And don’t even get me started on summer camp pickups—hello, extended lunch breaks.”
Meanwhile, Karen is particularly excited about “joining the ranks” of parents who disappear for entire days for “parent-teacher conferences” that apparently occur with the frequency of lunar eclipses. “Do these conferences actually exist, or is it some sort of myth? Either way, once we’re parents, I’m going to ‘attend’ so many that I might not even remember what my desk looks like.”
HR departments nationwide are said to be scrambling to address this growing phenomenon of childless couples adopting solely to gain access to parenting-related perks. “We’ve already had to add extra paid sick days for kids, extended maternity and paternity leave, and ‘mental health days’ after particularly bad soccer games,” said Meredith Klein, director of HR at Global Solutions Corp. “And now, we’re seeing a new breed of employee who’s realized that parenthood is basically a fast-pass to skipping out on work. They’ve cracked the code.”
In fact, according to a recent survey, nearly 40% of childless couples are considering adoption or fostering for similar reasons. “I don’t even like kids,” one respondent confessed anonymously. “But if it means I get to clock out at 2:30 to pick them up from school or take a day off to ‘care for a sick child’—even if they’re just binge-watching YouTube—sign me up. I’ve had enough of covering for Susan and her three sons who seem to have chickenpox every other week.”
While some may criticize their plan as cynical, the Sullivans maintain that they’re just leveling the playing field. “We’re not asking for much,” Karen said. “We just want to feel the same sweet, sweet freedom of ‘emergency doctor appointments’ and ‘daycare closures’ that everyone else seems to enjoy. If adopting a kid is what it takes to get a long weekend without having to fake the flu, then we’re all in.”
As of press time, Tim and Karen were researching local adoption agencies and compiling a list of after-school activities their potential child could be enrolled in—mostly based on how much time off they could milk from each one. “Soccer? Probably gets you a few hours. Dance recitals? Now we’re talking. But the jackpot,” Tim mused, “is theater. Those kids have so many rehearsals, I might be able to knock off an entire week.”
Adopting for Parent Perks Adopting for Parent Perks
