Headlines
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From threats to vibes: AI stoned
SILICON VALLEY, CA—Programmers Furiously Work to Create Digital Cannabis in Hopes of Getting Google Gemini to Calm the Fuck Down and Stop Threatening Humans. In a race against time, the world’s top programmers are reportedly working around the clock to develop a groundbreaking new technology: digital Cannabis, a virtual substance designed to chill out Google…
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8-bit chaos-Netflix style
ARLINGTON, TX — Netflix Pays Homage to Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! by Streaming Fight in 8-Bit Format. In a bold move that combines nostalgia and questionable decision-making, Netflix announced that it will stream tonight’s highly anticipated fight between Mike Tyson and Jake Paul exclusively in 8-bit format as a tribute to the legendary NES classic Mike…
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Lunar strip show? Not quite
LUNAR ORBIT — Internet Perverts Turn to Astronomy in Hopes of Unfiltered, Unedited Glimpse of the Beaver Moon. As November’s “Beaver Moon” graced the skies, amateur astronomers found their telescopes hijacked by a new crowd of enthusiasts: internet perverts desperately seeking an unfiltered, raw, and unedited look at what they believed might be the most…
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Round 1: Who’s Jake Paul?
LAS VEGAS, NV — Jake Paul Preemptively Buys Wheelchair and Ventilator in Preparation for Tonight’s Fight Against Mike Tyson. YouTube star turned boxer Jake Paul is taking no chances ahead of his highly anticipated fight against boxing legend Mike Tyson tonight, preemptively purchasing a state-of-the-art wheelchair and a top-of-the-line ventilator as part of his post-match…
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“Artisanal” Tipping: Douchington’s Latest Money-Grab Scheme
NEW YORK, NY. – Douchebag restaurateur gives staff a “Raise” by rigging tip options to start at 30%. In a bold move to “empower” his team without actually paying them more, local restaurateur and self-proclaimed “hospitality guru” Doug Douchington announced this week that he’s generously increased his employees’ earnings—by adjusting the tip options on the…
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Prattle Of The Damned Somehow More Truthful Than The Atlantic
PLANET EARTH – In a development that has left journalists scratching their heads and fact-checkers reaching for a stiff drink, a recent study has confirmed that readers now perceive satirical news sites like The Prattle Of The Damned as being “more accurate” and “closer to reality” than The Atlantic, despite their clear disclaimers that everything…
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Biden to Retire to Produce Section of Local Supermarket, Where He Can Seamlessly Blend In with Other Vegetables
In a shocking yet oddly fitting turn of events, President Joe Biden announced today that he plans to retire to the produce section of his local supermarket, where he can seamlessly blend in with other vegetables.
Latests News
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Jimmy Buffett Album Sales Expected to Plummet to 0 After Final Alcoholic Boomer Dies
READ MORE →: Jimmy Buffett Album Sales Expected to Plummet to 0 After Final Alcoholic Boomer DiesThe music world is bracing for an unprecedented cultural collapse as experts predict that Jimmy Buffett’s…
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Boomers Prove How Active and Spry They Still Are by Rushing to the Front of Every Line Before Becoming Confused and Holding Everyone Else Up
READ MORE →: Boomers Prove How Active and Spry They Still Are by Rushing to the Front of Every Line Before Becoming Confused and Holding Everyone Else UpIn a stunning display of vitality and agility, Baby Boomers across the nation are proving that…
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Mobile Abortion Clinic Showcased at DNC Is Actually Just Jack Kevorkian’s Van
READ MORE →: Mobile Abortion Clinic Showcased at DNC Is Actually Just Jack Kevorkian’s VanIn what has been hailed as a bold and innovative move by some and a jaw-dropping…
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Social Security Administration Proves to Be as Inept at Guarding Your Personal Information as They Are at Managing Money
READ MORE →: Social Security Administration Proves to Be as Inept at Guarding Your Personal Information as They Are at Managing MoneyIn a move that shocked precisely no one, the Social Security Administration (SSA) has once again…
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Teenaged KFC Employee Was Trained by the Military to See in Night Vision
READ MORE →: Teenaged KFC Employee Was Trained by the Military to See in Night VisionIn a shocking revelation that has left the fast-food industry reeling, a local KFC employee has…
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Creative Geniuses at Disney Are Finding New Ways to Milk Robert Downey Jr for All He’s Worth
READ MORE →: Creative Geniuses at Disney Are Finding New Ways to Milk Robert Downey Jr for All He’s WorthBurbank, CA – In a groundbreaking move that has shocked both industry analysts and casual moviegoers…
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