MURFREESBORO, TN – The quiet town of Murfreesboro is mourning the loss of Harold “Rock Solid” Johnson, a man whose life transcended the mundane and achieved a level of greatness few can aspire to: providing the perfect alibi
Harold wasn’t a war hero, a Nobel laureate, or a billionaire tech mogul. He wasn’t even a particularly good bowler (though his alibi for that “late night at the bowling alley” incident in ’87 remains legendary). No, Harold’s legacy lies in a far more crucial, and often underappreciated, human skill: the art of the flawless alibi.
“He was a master,” recalled Mildred Johnson, Harold’s tearful widow. “He could spin a yarn like a champion fisherman, and his poker face could rival the Sphinx. Why, the man could convince you the sky was purple and you’d be halfway to Home Depot to buy a gallon of anti-purple paint.”
Tributes poured in from across the country, all highlighting Harold’s unwavering commitment to friendship (and sometimes, marital bliss).
- “Harold saved my bacon more times than I care to admit,” confessed Bob “Two-Timing” Thompson, a local car salesman with a questionable dating history. “He was the ultimate wingman, the alibi architect. We wouldn’t be here without him.”
- “He may not have gotten straight A’s, but Harold sure got straight alibis,” chuckled Principal Gladys Strictler, reminiscing about Harold’s “slightly embellished” tales of sudden family emergencies that excused countless missed school plays and detention sessions.
The ethics of Harold’s life’s work, naturally, are sparking debate.
“Was he a pillar of the community, or a master of deception?” questioned a local ethics professor, stroking his beard thoughtfully. “Perhaps, the answer lies somewhere in between. After all, a good alibi can sometimes prevent a world of hurt.”
Harold’s funeral was a lively affair, filled with laughter and tearful anecdotes about the close calls averted thanks to his legendary alibis. In a final act of loyalty, his eulogy was delivered by his best friend, who convincingly swore Harold died peacefully in his sleep (despite the suspicious presence of a half-eaten bag of gummy bears and a slightly singed fishing hat).
Harold “Rock Solid” Johnson may be gone, but his legacy lives on. He reminds us that sometimes, a little white lie can go a long way. After all, isn’t that what friends are for? (Just don’t ask Harold’s wife about that time he “accidentally” booked a weekend getaway to Cancun with the “fishing buddies.”)
Harold “Rock Solid” Johnson Passes Away Harold “Rock Solid” Johnson Passes Away
