San Francisco, CA – In a development that surprised literally no one who’s ever navigated Market Street at rush hour, San Francisco’s robust homeless population has crowned a new leader: Reginald “Cardboard Reggie” Fitzwilliam.
The coronation ceremony, held amidst a bustling sea of shopping carts and discarded pizza boxes, was a truly democratic affair. Ballots were scrawled on crumpled napkins and cast into an upturned top hat (itself a coveted prize in the homeless community).
“It was a landslide victory,” declared Mildred “Madge” Muldoon, Reggie’s campaign manager (and occasional shopping cart partner). “Reggie promised a bigger cardboard box for everyone, and the people spoke!”
Reggie, a former hedge fund manager with a penchant for pinstripe suits (albeit slightly worse for wear), delivered a rousing victory speech from atop a particularly sturdy milk crate.
“My fellow citizens of the Tenderloin District!” boomed Reggie, his voice hoarse from years of street oration. “Together, we shall build a cardboard kingdom unlike any the world has ever seen! A kingdom with four-ply protection from the elements, and maybe even a gently used sleeping bag for the lucky few!”
Reggie’s platform focuses on key issues plaguing the homeless community, such as:
- Cardboard Box Quality: A pledge to secure a steady supply of high-grade cardboard, free from pesky punctures and lingering traces of day-old burritos.
- Public Restroom Access: Lobbying efforts to ensure 24/7 access to clean (-ish) public restrooms, with a focus on improved toilet paper quality.
- Enhanced Street Performance Regulations: A crackdown on mimes, particularly the particularly aggressive interpretive dance mime who keeps trying to steal Reggie’s “lucky spork.”
Experts are cautiously optimistic about the new reign.
“Reggie may not have a palace, but he does have a certain charisma,” observed Dr. Beatrice Beggingcup, a sociologist specializing in urban sociology (and a frequent donor of slightly stale muffins). “Perhaps he can finally get the city council to address the real issues, like the lack of decent dumpster diving opportunities behind Whole Foods.”
However, some residents remain skeptical.
“A cardboard king? Sounds about as stable as a shopping cart on a windy day,” grumbled a local tech millionaire, clutching his venti latte as he navigated a particularly congested sidewalk.
The future of San Francisco’s homeless monarchy remains uncertain. But one thing’s for sure: under King Reggie’s reign, the city’s homeless population can finally look forward to a slightly more dignified existence, one sturdy cardboard box at a time.
San Francisco Crowns “Cardboard King” San Francisco Crowns “Cardboard King”
