Philadelphia, PA – In a groundbreaking discovery that sheds new light on the “founding fluids” of our nation, a recent DNA analysis of Benjamin Franklin’s remains has revealed a shocking truth: the prolific inventor, diplomat, and ladies’ man was composed of a staggering 92% venereal disease.
“We were expecting a bit more…polymath, a touch less syphilis,” admitted Dr. Gertrude Gossip, lead researcher at the Institute for Questionable Historical Figures (IQHF). “Turns out, the secret ingredient behind Ben’s bifocals wasn’t just revolutionary ideas, but a potent cocktail of STDs.”
The study, titled “Franklin’s Folly: A Deep Dive into the Founding Father’s Forbidden Fruit Basket,” meticulously analyzed Franklin’s genetic code, revealing a veritable plague of historical poxes.
- Gonorrhea: Apparently, the key to staying “electric” wasn’t lightning, but a particularly persistent case of the clap.
- Syphilis: Dr. Gossip speculates this may explain Franklin’s penchant for bifocals – blurry vision being a common symptom.
- Chlamydia: This discovery may finally explain why Franklin never settled down with just one “lady friend.”
Historians are scrambling to rewrite history textbooks.
“We may have to re-brand him from ‘Ben Franklin’ to ‘Benny the Boil,’” lamented Professor Thaddeus Chastity, a renowned expert on colonial morality (or the lack thereof).
However, some scholars are taking a more pragmatic approach.
“Maybe this explains his tireless energy,” mused Dr. Penelope Penicillin, a medical historian. “Fighting off a constant barrage of STDs would certainly keep you on your toes.”
The discovery has also sparked a debate about the role of venereal disease in shaping American history.
“Did syphilis fuel Franklin’s revolutionary spirit?” questioned a conspiracy theorist, adjusting his tinfoil hat. “Was the Declaration of Independence just a feverish hallucination brought on by untreated gonorrhea?”
Ben Franklin’s legacy of being America’s O.G. philanderer remains shrouded in a haze of regret and a lack of Penicillin, but one thing’s for sure: our Founding Fathers may have fought for liberty, but they certainly didn’t fight for safe sex. So, the next time you raise a glass to Benjamin Franklin, remember: you’re not just toasting a brilliant mind, you’re toasting a walking petri dish of colonial-era STDs.
Ben Franklin Revealed to be 92% Venereal Disease Ben Franklin Revealed to be 92% Venereal Disease
