San Francisco, CA – In a development that would surprise literally no one who’s ever scrolled through a comment section, scientists at the Institute for Slightly Unethical Advancement (ISEA) have successfully cloned a human being. Unfortunately, the first batch of Humanity 2.0 appears to be afflicted with a well-known human genetic condition: chronic asshole-ism.
“We were expecting a blank slate, a clean genetic canvas,” admitted Dr. Fiona Fauxpas, lead researcher at ISEA. “Instead, we got a walking, talking embodiment of a bad Yelp review.”
The clone, christened “Cody 2.0” (much to the original Cody’s delight), exhibits all the classic signs of advanced Asshole-ism: an inflated sense of entitlement, a vocabulary primarily composed of bro-speak, and an uncanny knack for mansplaining the Pythagorean Theorem.
“It’s like staring into a mirror that only reflects my worst qualities,” grumbled Cody 1.0, adjusting his backwards baseball cap and scowling at a nearby potted plant. “Except this mirror has way better hair.”
Despite the initial disappointment, the ISEA team remains optimistic. “There’s still hope!” declared Dr. Fauxpas, brandishing a pamphlet titled “How to Not Be a Total Asshole: A Beginner’s Guide for Clones.” “We’re exploring various asshole-reduction techniques, like mandatory participation in therapy sessions led by puppies and mandatory listening to elevator music.”
Experts, however, are skeptical. “Being an asshole isn’t just a personality trait,” explained Dr. Penelope Patience, a renowned therapist known for her endless reserves of both. “It’s a complex web of entitlement, insecurity, and a complete disregard for basic human decency. You can’t just delete it like a bad app.”
The ethical implications of cloning assholes are also causing concern.
“Imagine a world where everyone’s walking around with a mini-me version of their high school bully?” questioned a bioethicist, clutching a stress ball shaped like a frowny face. “Societal breakdown is practically guaranteed!”
The future of human cloning remains uncertain. But one thing’s for sure: while science may have figured out how to replicate a human being, replicating basic human kindness appears to be a challenge that the most slightly unethical institutions haven’t quite cracked.
In the meantime, the world waits with bated breath to see if Cody 2.0 can master the art of a simple “thank you” before he inherits Cody 1.0’s collection of questionable pickup lines (and borderline narcissism disorder).
Humanity 2.0 Debuts: Turns Out Asshole-ism is the Dominant Gene Humanity 2.0 Debuts: Turns Out Asshole-ism is the Dominant Gene
