TRENTON, NJ – In a development that has sent shockwaves through the psychiatry community, a local therapist, Mildred “Millie” Mindbender, has been fired after committing the cardinal sin of her profession: actually curing a patient
The incident occurred during a routine session with Harold “Sweaty Palms” Henderson, a mild-mannered accountant plagued by a debilitating fear of public speaking. Millie, known for her unorthodox methods (think interpretive sock puppet therapy), decided to take a radical approach.
“I told him to just…get over it,” Millie confessed, her voice tinged with disbelief. “I said, ‘Harold, you’re a grown man. Public speaking isn’t a monster under your bed. It’s just talking in front of people.’”
The results were immediate and disastrous. Harold, emboldened by this novel concept, walked into his next work meeting and delivered a presentation so clear, concise, and (gasp) enjoyable, that his colleagues were left speechless.
“It was terrifying,” recounted Harold, a newfound glint of confidence in his eyes. “But for the first time in my life, I wasn’t a puddle of sweat on the floor. It felt…liberating.”
Millie’s superiors, upon hearing of her transgression, were aghast.
“Curing a patient? What were you thinking?” Dr. Sigmund Freudenstein, the head psychiatrist, bellowed, his perfectly groomed beard quivering with outrage. “Therapy is a journey, not a destination! People need us! They need endless sessions dissecting their childhood traumas!”
Millie, bewildered by the whole ordeal, defended her actions.
“Isn’t that the point? To help people overcome their problems and live happier lives?” she stammered. “Apparently not! Apparently, we’re in the business of chronic misery and exorbitant co-pays.”
The American Association of Professional Therapists (AAPT) has issued a strongly worded statement condemning Millie’s actions and reaffirming the importance of the “therapeutic process.”
“Curing patients is bad for business,” the statement reads. “It disrupts the delicate balance of neurosis and existential dread that keeps our industry afloat.”
Harold, meanwhile, is enjoying his newfound freedom from sweaty palms and crippling anxiety. He’s even joined a public speaking club, much to the horror of his former therapist.
Millie, currently unemployed and considering a career shift to life coaching (which is apparently not “real” therapy), remains a beacon of hope for those seeking actual solutions to their problems. The future of therapy may be uncertain, but one thing’s for sure: some therapists would rather keep you coming back than see you truly happy.
Therapist Fired After Committing Cardinal Sin Therapist Fired After Committing Cardinal Sin
