Atlanta, GA – In a groundbreaking discovery that validates the fears of the entire millennial generation, a recent study has confirmed Home Depot to be ground zero for toxic masculinity. Researchers at the Institute for the Deconstruction of Gender Norms (IDGN) donned metaphorical hazmat suits and ventured into the testosterone-fueled wilderness, and the results are mind-boggling.
“The levels of toxic masculinity were simply staggering,” reported Dr. Ophelia Prudence, lead researcher at IDGN. “It was like stepping into a cologne commercial directed by Michael Bay, with power tools replacing explosions.”
The study details the various exhibits within this National Monument to Manliness:
- The Grunt Gallery: A haven for grunting over leaky faucets, malfunctioning weed whackers, and anything else deemed “unmanly” enough to warrant a guttural expression of frustration.
- The Camo Cargo Cavern: A labyrinthine display of camouflage cargo pants, each pair boasting an increasing number of pockets for holding an ever-expanding arsenal of masculinity-affirming tools (functionality entirely optional).
- The Power Tool Proving Grounds: This competitive arena pits men against drills, saws, and nail guns in a never-ending battle to prove dominance over the inanimate. Bonus points awarded for excessive sawdust generation and feats of questionable ergonomic efficiency.
The study warns of the dangers posed by prolonged exposure to this environment, including:
- Chronic Mansplaining: A debilitating condition characterized by the unshakeable belief that men possess superior knowledge on all things, particularly home improvement projects and the proper way to grill a steak.
- Acute Lumberyard Limp: A psychosomatic limp adopted to compensate for the perceived weakness of using a shopping cart while simultaneously carrying a single two-by-four.
- Excessive Chest Puffery: A defensive posture triggered by the presence of anyone who dares question the traditional gender roles associated with home repair.
The IDGN strongly advises against visiting Home Depot without proper protection. Millennials, in particular, are urged to wear full hazmat suits and carry a copy of Judith Butler’s “Gender Trouble” as a conversation starter (or, more likely, a conversation ender).
“This isn’t just about hammers and nails,” Dr. Prudence concluded. “It’s about dismantling a whole system of masculinity built on outdated notions of strength and dominance. But hey, at least they have a good selection of paint.”
The future of Home Depot, this monument to a bygone era of masculinity, remains uncertain. But one thing’s for sure: the next time you hear a power tool roar and a primal scream echo through the aisles, just remember: you’re not in the plumbing section, you’re in the heart of toxic masculinity.
Home Depot Declared National Monument to Toxic Masculinity Home Depot Declared National Monument to Toxic Masculinity
