Little Rock, AR – “It was like a bolt of lightning struck me,” Peabody recounted, his voice trembling. “I was staring at that stupid spreadsheet of dental hygienists, and suddenly, it all hit me. There had to be more to life than flossing and root canals.”
Peabody, overwhelmed by this epiphany, immediately sought solace at Holy Redeemer. There, amidst the soaring stained-glass windows and inspirational music that vaguely resembled elevator hold music, Peabody felt a sense of peace he hadn’t experienced since his last vacation to a time-share in Branson.
“I was ready to be reborn,” Peabody declared, his eyes glistening. “Born anew! So I, uh, took a dunk in the baptismal font to symbolize my spiritual cleansing.”
Unfortunately, Peabody’s interpretation of “spiritual cleansing” differed slightly from the church’s official policy.
“Let’s just say Mr. Peabody displayed a rather…unconventional approach to baptism,” sighed Reverend Mildred Strongarm, her perfectly manicured nails tapping a stern rhythm on her mahogany desk. “There was a certain…golden quality to the water afterwards that wasn’t entirely…holy.” “The plunge in the water had caused Mr. Peabody to involuntarily urinate in our holy font” explained the Reverend.
Peabody, now sporting a hefty fine and a lifetime ban from Holy Redeemer, expressed remorse for his unorthodox baptismal technique.
“Look, I was nervous! It was a big step,” he pleaded. “And let’s be honest, that water was nice and warm. Maybe if they cooled it down a bit, these kinds of misunderstandings wouldn’t happen.”
Undeterred by his excommunication, Peabody remains optimistic about his newfound faith.
“God works in mysterious ways,” he declared, winking. “Maybe next time, I’ll just stick to sprinkling myself with holy water. And wear some looser fitting clothes.”
Experts warn that Peabody’s experience highlights a growing trend: an increase in spontaneous religious awakenings coupled with a complete lack of knowledge about proper church etiquette. Seminaries across the country are scrambling to develop crash courses in “Baptismal Do’s and Don’ts” to prevent future holy water-related mishaps.
One thing’s for sure: finding God may be easy, but keeping him around apparently requires a working knowledge of plumbing and a decent understanding of appropriate bathroom use.
Man Finds God Loses Him Again After Baptismal Font Fiasco Man Finds God Loses Him Again After Baptismal Font Fiasco
