Los Angeles, CA – In a move that surprised absolutely no one familiar with their cryptic lyrics and penchant for the esoteric, progressive metal titans Tool have announced they are changing their name. The new moniker, still under wraps, reportedly stems from a recent epiphany experienced by frontman Maynard James Keenan.
“It just hit me one day,” Keenan said, sipping a glass of pinot noir brewed under the phases of a waning moon. “We’ve been going around calling people tools for years, thinking we were these insightful musical prophets. But then you realize the biggest, shiniest, loudest tool in the entire entertainment industry is some dude named Steven.”
Keenan, visibly shaken, declined to elaborate on which Steven he was referring to, though speculation is rampant. Theories initially included blockbuster film director Steven Spielberg, but fans were quick to deduce that it could be none other than Steven Segal.
Guitarist Adam Jones, known for his intricate and technical riffs, offered a more philosophical take. “We were naive,” he admitted. “We thought we were exploring the darkest corners of the human psyche, but all this time, the real darkness was radiating from a guy named Steven who thinks he knows karate.”
Bassist Justin Chancellor remained characteristically silent, although a single, perfectly placed bassline that sounded vaguely like the theme song to a 90s sitcom seemed to express a sense of weary resignation. Drummer Danny Carey, ever the enigma, simply vanished, leaving a cryptic note written in a language that appeared to be a combination of ancient Sumerian and IKEA assembly instructions.
The band’s record label, executives visibly sweating behind a hastily erected wall of platinum records, insists the name change won’t affect their upcoming tour or the highly anticipated release of their long-delayed new album. “Fans can expect the same level of artistic integrity and head-scratching symbolism,” one unnamed suit offered, nervously adjusting his tie. “Just, you know, with a different name.”
Social media, naturally, erupted in a chaotic symphony of memes, conspiracy theories, and half-baked jokes about Segal. One particularly popular hashtag, #SegaltheTool, trended worldwide, with memes including a trophy being handed to Segal for achieving such an “accolade”. Fake karate dojo’s have been popping up nationwide.
Only time will tell what the band’s new name will be, but one thing is certain: in the grand scheme of the entertainment industry, even the most esoteric, self-serious rock band can be humbled by the sheer, unadulterated toolage of the one and only, Steven Segal.
Rock Band Tool Changes Name Rock Band Tool Changes Name
