FILLMORE, UT – In a shocking display of fiscal vigilance, the IRS has launched an audit against Harold Butterworth (82) of Fillmore, Utah. Mr. Butterworth’s alleged crime? Taking “an unreasonable number of pennies” during his convenience store transactions.
“It all started after my local gas station raised the price of coffee due to inflation” shared a visibly shaken Mr. Butterworth. We are on a very fixed income and my wife only allows me to have $3 per day for coffee”. After prices went up to $3.02 per cup after taxes, I started taking two cents from the give-a-penny / take-a-penny container on the counter. Mr. Butterworth further commented “I didn’t think it was a concern but thanks to the IRS, I’m now considered a filthy penny pirate”.
According to the IRS, Mr. Butterworth’s “pattern of excessive penny collection” has raised red flags. Apparently, his fondness for the copper coins extends beyond gas stations, with reports of similar penny-hoarding behavior at grocery stores, laundromats, and even the occasional bake sale.
“Look, a penny saved is a penny earned,” Mr. Butterworth defended himself. “Besides, with inflation the way it is, those pennies are practically nickels these days!”
The IRS, however, remains unconvinced. “We’re not talking about a few stray pennies rolling around in the couch cushions,” stated a stern IRS agent requesting anonymity (due to the “sensitive nature of the investigation”). “Mr. Butterworth appears to be engaged in a systematic effort to corner the penny market.”
According to IRS estimates, Mr. Buttersworth may have taken upwards of 5 cents per day, every day, equaling approximately $18.25 per year in unclaimed income. “We’ve ran the numbers” one IRS auditor commented. “The Buttersworths are in the 12% tax bracket, therefore they owe the IRS an additional $2.19, and we will diligently pour countless hours of labor into this investigation, no matter the expense, in order to bring justice to Fillmore”.
Meanwhile, Mr. Butterworth remains defiant. “They can take my pennies, when they pry them from my cold, calloused hands!” he declared, brandishing a jar overflowing with the controversial currency. “This ain’t over, Uncle Sam!”
One thing’s for sure: this case is sure to leave a lasting impact on the annals of penny pinching.
Penny Pinching Gone Too Far
