WASHINGTON D.C. – In a stunning revelation that will shatter childhood dreams faster than Ming the Merciless’ disintegration ray, the U.S. government has finally concluded a 44-year long, 1.25 trillion dollar investigation into the claims of one Flash Gordon. The highly anticipated report, titled “Retroactive Analysis of Alleged Alien Savior Intervention: The Flash Gordon Incident,” finds that Gordon’s oft-repeated assertion of “saving every one of us” is, at best, a gross exaggeration.
“Look, the man wore a purple jumpsuit and fought with a polo mallet,” admitted a visibly embarrassed Dr. Mildred Chang, lead researcher on the project. “While his enthusiasm was admirable, our findings suggest a distinct lack of strategic planning and a reliance on sheer luck that frankly borders on the irresponsible.”
The report details numerous shortcomings in Gordon’s methods, including:
- Questionable Alliances: The decision to team up with a clearly deranged Dale Arden, whose primary qualification seemed to be a fetching miniskirt, is considered a tactical blunder of epic proportions.
- Over Reliance on Improvised Weaponry: While defeating a technologically advanced space emperor with a glorified croquet mallet is undeniably impressive, the report stresses the importance of a well-stocked armory.
- Dubious Claims of Heroism: The document casts serious doubt on Gordon’s assertion that he single-handedly saved Earth. “Evidence suggests significant contributions from Dr. Zarkov, a man previously labeled a villain,” noted Dr. Chang.
Despite the government’s findings, a vocal minority continues to defend Flash Gordon. “He had heart! Grit! And a killer sense of fashion!” exclaimed one fan, sporting a homemade Flash Gordon helmet fashioned from a colander. “Besides, who else would have dared challenge Ming the Merciless while rocking a handlebar mustache?”
The government is currently seeking public comment on how to proceed. Proposed solutions include a mandatory “avoiding breach of government contracts” training course for all future space adventurers.
Dr. Chang concluded by noting that “ it wasn’t fair or equitable for American citizens to be continually told that someone is there to save every one of us, when that is simply not true”, and went on to say “America deserves better than this, and even if it takes another 1.25 trillion dollars and 44 more years, we will find the true savior of the universe”.
Government Confirms Flash Gordon Just Kinda Winged It, Government Confirms Flash Gordon Just Kinda Winged It
