WASHINGTON D.C. – In a development that would leave Founding Father eyebrow’s permanently furrowed, America’s fresh crop of high school graduates are experiencing a rude awakening. Apparently, peak male confidence and a participation trophy collection won’t get you out of registering for the selective service.
The news sent shockwaves through the fragile egos of young American males. “I literally wrote ‘alpha male’ on my registration card,” lamented Brandon “The Bulldozer” Hardcastle, 18, flexing nonexistent biceps. “What more do they want from me? Tears? Because I can cry…manly tears!”
Experts are scrambling to understand this glitch in the matrix. Dr. Sheila Pants, a leading sociologist specializing in masculinity, offered a scathing assessment. “It seems the ‘participation trophy’ generation is experiencing a participation consequence for the first time,” she said, stifling a laugh. “Imagine that.”
The crisis has sparked chaos in online forums typically overflowing with unsolicited mansplaining. Popular draft-dodging tips include:
- Mansplaining the draft to the Selective Service office. (This tactic backfired spectacularly in early trials.)
- Sending a strongly worded email demanding to speak to the “man in charge.” (Results inconclusive, but mostly laughter from office staff.)
- Flexing so hard the registration system explodes. (Doctors warn against this due to potential muscle strain and the high unlikelihood of success.)
Military officials remain unfazed. “Look, son,” said a grizzled Sergeant Major Johnson, “we appreciate the enthusiasm, but a winning touchdown and a participation trophy won’t get you out of basic training these days.” Sergeant Major Johnson then winked. “Unless, of course, you can out-arm wrestle that pile of laundry over there.”
Female rights activists were quick to comment. “We believe in gender equality for all humans, except when it comes to selective service, that’s just icky”.
The long-term effects of this crisis are yet to be seen. Will young men be forced to, gasp, develop actual skills and compete on a level playing field? Will the draft pool actually reflect the diversity of the nation? Only time will tell. But one thing’s for sure: the draft just got a whole lot more interesting, and a whole lot less predictable. Buckle up, America, because this equality thing might actually stick.
Participation Trophy Blues Participation Trophy Blues
