LOS ANGELES, CA – In a groundbreaking move that has sent shockwaves through the get-rich-quick self-help industry, financial guru Bartholomew “Cash” Sterling (author of the bestselling trilogy “From Ramen to Rolls Royce”) has unveiled his latest magnum opus: “Don’t Buy Shit You Can’t Afford: A Revolutionary Guide to Not Being Broke.”
Sterling, a man whose net worth is rumored to be directly proportional to the number of teeth he has (all very white and gleaming), promises to “shatter the shackles of debt” and “unlock the secrets to financial freedom” with this “paradigm-shifting” book.
Early reviews are…mixed.
“It’s mind-blowing,” gushed Tiffany Sparkle, a self-proclaimed “influencer” whose Instagram feed is a carefully curated display of designer handbags and questionable vacation photos. “Cash has opened my eyes! Maybe I don’t need that fifth diamond bracelet after all!”
Financial experts, however, are less impressed. “The audacity! The sheer revolutionary nature of it all!” scoffed Professor Pennywise Pincher, a renowned economist who lives solely on expired coupons and spite. “Not buying things you can’t afford? Who would’ve thought?!”
The book’s core principles include:
- The Latte Factor: This revolutionary concept posits that skipping your daily $7 latte habit could, over time, potentially allow you to afford…a slightly used latte machine? (Latte sales have plummeted in response.)
- The Impulse Control Enforcer: A handy flowchart that helps readers navigate the treacherous waters of online shopping sprees. (Spoiler alert: it always ends with “Don’t buy it.”)
- The “Needs vs. Wants” Venn Diagram: This mind-bending visual aid helps readers differentiate between essential life necessities (like a $500 self-help book) and frivolous desires (like, say, food or a roof over your head).
The book also gives readers access to online educational courses including, “What is a calculator and how to use it”, as well as “Addition and subtraction, it’s not just for 6 year olds anymore”.
While some critics dismiss the book as “common sense masquerading as genius,” Sterling remains undeterred.
“People need a wake-up call!” he declared, adjusting his diamond-encrusted cufflinks. “This book is a beacon of hope, a ray of financial enlightenment in a world drowning in debt!”
Whether “Don’t Buy Shit You Can’t Afford” will truly revolutionize the financial landscape or simply line Sterling’s already overflowing pockets with even more cash remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: it’s bound to spark a lively debate about the true cost of achieving “financial freedom” in a world obsessed with conspicuous consumption. Just don’t expect to find a signed copy on sale. Sterling, after all, isn’t in the business of selling things you can’t afford.
New Concept Don’t Buy Shit You Can’t Afford New Concept Don’t Buy Shit You Can’t Afford
