SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a development sending shockwaves through the tech brosphere, a prominent OnlyFans model has reportedly abandoned the lucrative world of strategically placed pillows and suggestive poses in favor of, gasp, a real job. Experts are calling this a “once-in-a-millennium event” with potentially catastrophic consequences for the emotional well-being of lonely billionaires.
“It’s like the sun decided to set in the east,” says venture capitalist Chad Thundercock, wiping away a single, perfectly sculpted tear. “One minute she’s raking in six figures with a strategically blurred bathtub selfie, the next she’s talking about, I dunno, ‘fulfillment’ and ‘health insurance.’”
The former model, who goes by the alias “PixieDust69” (though rumors swirl she might actually have a real name), has reportedly taken a position as a… shudder… marketing coordinator at a sustainable yoga mat company. Industry insiders are beside themselves.
“Who needs emotional connection when you have a Birkin bag full of cash?” laments influencer-turned-life coach Tiffany “Cashmere Dreams” Featherbottom. “This is a betrayal of the highest order! What are lonely hedge fund managers supposed to do with all this… checks notes disposable income?”
Social media is abuzz with conspiracy theories. Some speculate PixieDust69 has been kidnapped by radical feminists hellbent on dismantling the “thigh-high boot industrial complex.” Others believe she’s finally cracked under the pressure of maintaining a perfectly curated “carefree” lifestyle.
“Maybe she just… wants a decent night’s sleep without the existential dread of being judged by millions for the size of her breakfast smoothie” whispers a lone voice of reason, quickly drowned out by a chorus of “socialist propaganda!”
Silicon Valley analysts are scrambling to assess the long-term impact of this unprecedented event. Fears abound that a domino effect will ensue, leading to a mass exodus of scantily clad influencers opting for, dare we say it, careers with actual growth opportunities and 401k plans.
The future, it seems, is uncertain. But one thing remains clear: the internet might just have to find a new way to cope with the crushing emptiness of a billionaire’s soul.
Woman chooses meaningful work over Only Fans Woman chooses meaningful work over Only Fans
