SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Attention shoppers! Forget converting to Judaism for financial security, there’s a new sheriff in town (and by “sheriff,” we mean a sparkling-white-shirted missionary with a winning smile). That’s right, folks, the Mormons are here to show you how to tithe your way to eternal bliss!
Confused? Well, you should be. Because while Mormons and Jews share a reverence for the Old Testament and a healthy dose of family values, here’s the key difference: Jews get to keep most of their latkes money, while Mormons, well, they gotta hand over 10% (looking at you, gross income) to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Think of it like a celestial country club membership, but with way fewer golf carts and a whole lot more Jell-O salad.
But wait, there’s more! Because achieving “exaltation” in the Mormon afterlife (think VIP section in heaven) requires not just emptying your wallet, but also emptying your free time. Yep, Mormons are all about volunteer work, from helping widows prune their hedges to proselytizing to people who just want their doorbell to stop ringing. Basically, it’s like a timeshare for the pearly gates, complete with mandatory cleaning duty.
Now, some might scoff at the idea of handing over your hard-earned cash and precious weekend hours. But have you seen those sparkling Mormon temples? They practically scream “real estate mogul” with their golden accents and meticulously manicured lawns. Plus, there’s gotta be some serious tax breaks involved in all that tithing, right? Right?
Look, we’re not saying converting to Mormonism is the answer to all your financial woes (although, that tithing pool sure is looking mighty inviting these days). But hey, if the idea of eternal life as a celestial Martha Stewart appeals to you, then maybe those missionaries weren’t so annoying after all. Just remember, with great mansions in the sky comes great financial responsibility (and a whole lot of casseroles).
