SCRANTON, PA – In a humiliating turn of events for the local science club president, Harold Fitzwilliam, 15, learned the hard way this weekend that hallucinations are not a guaranteed side effect of indulging in a Domino’s “ExtravaganZZa.”
Harold, after spending weeks regaling his classmates with tales of his upcoming “mycological adventure” (a fancy way of saying he was going to eat some mushrooms on a pizza), found himself facing a far less cosmic reality.
“I devoured that entire pizza, crust and all,” Harold recounted, his voice laced with a newfound respect for the power of greasy cardboard. “I was expecting to commune with sentient spores and unlock the secrets of the universe, you know, the usual nerd stuff. But all I got was a massive heartburn and a newfound appreciation for the sheer audacity of charging $20 for lukewarm fungi.”
Harold’s descent from self-proclaimed psychedelic explorer to heartburn-ridden disappointment began shortly after his ill-advised Domino’s feast. Instead of the expected interdimensional travel, Harold found himself stuck on the porcelain throne, engaging in a very real, and decidedly un-enlightening, dimension-hopping experience.
“There were these these… fractal patterns on the bathroom tiles,” Harold stammered, clearly shaken. “And I swear, for a second, I thought I saw the pepperoni curl into a tiny, accusatory face. But then I realized it was just the grease messing with my eyes.”
Social media, of course, was quick to capitalize on Harold’s misfortune. #DominosDoesntDeliverDimensions and #ShroomlessPizza were trending locally within hours, with classmates mercilessly posting photos of Harold mid-presentation, his face flushed with the fervor of a man about to embark on a spiritual journey, juxtaposed with a picture of a half-eaten Domino’s pizza.
Harold, forced to endure the slings and arrows of his peers, now claims he was merely conducting a “scientific experiment” to test the validity of psilocybin mushrooms existing on commercially available pizzas. Science teachers, however, remain unconvinced.
“Harold may want to stick to building baking soda volcanoes for a while,” remarked Mrs. Henderson, the ever-patient science teacher. “There’s a whole world of fascinating science out there, and thankfully, most of it doesn’t involve questionable pizza toppings.”
Harold, meanwhile, is left to contemplate the existential void often found at the bottom of a greasy pizza box. One thing’s for sure: his next “scientific experiment” will likely involve something a little less… cheesy.
Local Nerd Learns the Hard Way Local Nerd Learns the Hard Way
