MIAMI, FL – In a scientific triumph that would make Captain Obvious himself do a spit-take, a multi-million dollar government study has definitively proven what every sunburnt soul already knew: summer is hotter than balls.
The aptly named “Summer Heat: An In-Depth Exploration of Testicular vs Ambient Air Temperature” research project, spearheaded by the Department of Redundant Research Department (DRRD), involved years of meticulous research and a human test subject with a particularly impressive tolerance for discomfort.
“It’s been a real scorcher of a project,” admitted Dr. Irving Sweatyhands, lead researcher on the study, dabbing his brow with a suspiciously damp lab coat sleeve. “We subjected our brave volunteer, Gary ‘Heatstroke’ Johnson, to a variety of scorching environments, from the unforgiving Nevada desert to the sweltering humidity of a Florida swamp. The results were…well, let’s just say Gary’s tolerance for heat rash is truly awe-inspiring.”
The study’s groundbreaking findings, while undeniably clear-cut, were met with a resounding “duh” from the American public. “Hotter than…what exactly?” mumbled construction worker Hank McHammer, squinting at the sun like a particularly grumpy lizard. “Tell me somethin’ I don’t know, Doc, like maybe how to keep my tools from melting on the sidewalk.”
Undeterred by the public’s lukewarm reception, the DRRD is doubling down on its commitment to groundbreaking research. “This study represents a critical first step,” declared a spokesperson, cranking the air conditioning unit to an arctic setting that would make penguins jealous. “The next phase will focus on even more pressing questions, such as ‘Is water really wet?’ and the perennial favorite, ‘Do Mondays actually suck?’”
Taxpayers, meanwhile, are expressing a renewed interest in the inner workings of the DRRD, particularly their, shall we say, unique selection process for research projects. “Honestly, I wouldn’t mind putting my tax dollars towards figuring out why the break room coffee always tastes like lukewarm despair,” sighed office worker Brenda Bloggs, fanning herself with a manila folder.
So there you have it folks. Science, in its infinite wisdom, has confirmed what millions of us already knew: summer is hot. Really, really hot. Hot enough to make even the most stoic blue collar individual consider a career change to pencil pushing desk jockey in order to gain access to the cool refreshing breeze of recycled 72 degree office air. Just ask Gary “Heatstroke” Johnson. He’d tell you, if he could muster the energy to speak through his heatstroke-induced delirium.
summer is hotter than balls
