LOS ANGELES, CA – In a move that surprised absolutely no one familiar with the human condition, OnlyFans content creators across the globe expressed a collective sigh of relief this week. The source of their comfort? The comforting knowledge that even after their lucrative careers inevitably fizzle out, they can always fall back on the tried-and-true fallback plan: single motherhood.
“Phew, that was a close one,” confided Tiffany “Cashmere Cupcake” Vanderpump (23), currently hawking custom bathwater subscriptions. “For a minute there, I worried I might have to, you know, get a real job. But then I remembered, I have amazing child-birthing hips and a tolerance for lukewarm instant ramen. Crisis averted!”
Experts unsurprisingly remain unimpressed. “This isn’t exactly a revelation,” deadpanned Dr. Penelope Profits, a sociologist specializing in the monetization of everything. “Single motherhood has long been the ultimate safety net for women in precarious professions, from reality TV stars to, well, OnlyFans stars.”
The internet, naturally, had a field day. Memes featuring photoshopped images of crying babies captioned “My new revenue stream” flooded social media. Meanwhile, support groups for single mothers expressed a collective eye roll so forceful it could probably power a small city.
“Listen, being a single mom is a freaking superpower,” said Jessica “Biceps McFlex” Garcia (30), a former bodybuilder turned lingerie model turned single parent. “But it’s not a career choice for washed-up influencers who think they can buy their kids’ affection with virtual reality headsets.”
Despite the snickers, some OnlyFans creators remain optimistic. “Hey, at least I have options,” chirped Ashley “Glitterbomb” Kensington (22), adjusting her strategically placed emoji-shaped pasties. “Maybe I’ll write a tell-all book! Or launch a mommy blog! Or, you know, get a degree in something useful.”
Only time will tell what the future holds for these enterprising young women. But one thing’s for sure: the internet will be watching, popcorn in hand, ready to document their every pivot, stumble, and inevitable attempt to monetize their children’s lunchboxes.
OnlyFans Stars Breathe Sigh of Relief, OnlyFans Stars Breathe Sigh of Relief
