LOS ANGELES, CA – In a move that could only be described as “audacious” or perhaps “a test to see if people are actually goldfish with short-term memory,” Ticketmaster executives are reportedly holding a series of focus groups to gauge public opinion on a brand new fee: The Fresh Air Fee.
“Look, we understand some folks might find the exorbitant processing fees, convenience charges, and facility maintenance surcharges a bit… much,” confided a nervous-looking Ticketmaster spokesperson, adjusting his thousand-dollar bill tie. “But what if we told you there was a way to experience the invigorating thrill of… fresh air… during your next concert?”
The Fresh Air Fee, a proposed addition to the ever-growing list of Ticketmaster charges, would, according to the company, provide concertgoers with the “unparalleled luxury” of breathing unrecycled air during their event.
“Think of it like this,” continued the spokesperson, his voice dripping with condescension. “Have you ever been to a stadium? The air can get a little… stale, right? With the Fresh Air Fee, we’ll be actively pumping in crisp, invigorating mountain air, harvested directly from the peaks of… uh… a nearby location, or uh, we can just ask the venue to turn on their ventilation system… whatev”.
Focus group participants, a carefully curated selection of masochists and people who enjoy paying for basic necessities twice, were reportedly met with a mixture of confusion and bewildered rage.
“So, I pay extra to breathe?” one participant, a woman clutching a single nostril, reportedly scoffed. “Is there a ‘No Breathing Fee’ option for those of us who prefer to conserve oxygen?”
Another participant, a man with a well-worn t-shirt for a band that broke up in the 90s, suggested Ticketmaster simply hold all future concerts outdoors. “Isn’t that kind of the point of a stadium?” he deadpanned.
Ticketmaster executives, however, remained undeterred. “Look, we know what you’re thinking,” said the spokesperson, his smile strained. “But wouldn’t you pay a small premium to avoid that sticky feeling of recycled stadium air clinging to your overpriced concert t-shirt?”
The focus group erupted in a cacophony of boos and hurled popcorn kernels. One particularly disgruntled participant reportedly attempted to throw a shoe, but was promptly tackled by security guards.
Whether Ticketmaster will actually implement the Fresh Air Fee remains to be seen. However, one thing is certain: their unwavering faith in the public’s ability to tolerate ever-increasing fees is truly an inspiration… or perhaps a delusion of grandeur.
Ticketmaster Gauges Public’s Breathtaking Stupidity Ticketmaster Gauges Public’s Breathtaking Stupidity
