DENVER, CO – In a shocking turn of events, the local Bogeyman, who has resided under 13-year-old Timmy Thompson’s bed for the past seven years, has announced he is moving out. Citing “a toxic work environment” and “a complete lack of hygiene” the disgruntled monster is packing his shadowy bags and seeking a new haunt.
“Listen, kid, I get it,” rumbled the Bogeyman in a voice like gravel grinding against teeth. “We all went through that awkward ‘discovering girls’ phase. But those centerfolds are a little much for a monster who thrives on nightmares, not teenage angst.”
Sources report Timmy, who discovered his nocturnal roommate rummaging through a dog-eared copy of “Penthouse,” was met with a disapproving glare and a look of glaring disgust.
“Frankly, the kids snoring was keeping me up”, continued the Bogeyman. “And don’t even get me started on the questionable hygiene under here. The discarded gym sock stash is absolutely vile.”
Timmy, devastated by the loss of his childhood fearmonger, attempted to reason with the departing monster. “But who will make the scary noises at night?” he whimpered.
The Bogeyman scoffed. “Bro, with that collection of smut under your bunk, who needs me? Besides, these days, real nightmares come with student loan debt and the ever-present threat of nuclear war. Bogeymen are so last season.”
The Bogeyman, rumored to be considering a career in existential dread consulting, advised Timmy to clean his room and invest in some blackout curtains. He also advised Timmy to “Get some fresh air and sunlight, and for god’s sake, work out with your left arm too”!
As the Bogeyman phased through the wall, leaving behind only a faint whiff of brimstone and disappointment, Timmy was left to contemplate a future devoid of bedtime monsters and filled with the far more terrifying prospect of puberty.
Under-Bed Bogeyman Seeks New Haunt Under-Bed Bogeyman Seeks New Haunt
