LANCASTER, PA – Tensions in Lancaster County boiled over this week as a seemingly innocuous bake sale escalated into a full-blown bonnet brawl between the Amish and the Quakers. Witnesses report flying loaves of shoofly pie and a disconcerting amount of passive-aggressive muttering.
“It all started with a disagreement over rhubarb crisp,” said local dairy farmer Ezekiel Miller, his beard twitching in agitation. “Those Quakers waltz in here with their fancy oat milk and next thing you know, they’re criticizing our traditional crust-to-filling ratio.”
Apparently, the Quakers, known for their progressive ways, took issue with the Amish use of refined sugar in their baked goods. A heated debate ensued, laced with surprisingly barbed barbs about the environmental impact of buggy travel versus bicycles.
“We just wanted to offer a more sustainable option,” pleaded Mildred Higgins, a bespectacled Quaker woman clutching a basket of organic granola bars. “But apparently, suggesting anything less than pure white sugar is an act of war in these parts.”
The fight, which some are calling The Great Shoofly Pie Smackdown, was a chaotic scene of straw hats askew and bonnets askew-er. Thankfully, the violence remained relatively tame, with the most serious injury being a mild case of butter churn burn.
Local law enforcement, accustomed to dealing with cow tipping and the occasional barn fire, found themselves woefully unprepared for a full-blown baked goods brawl. “We tried to break it up, but those folks can passive-aggress you into submission faster than you can say ‘apple fritter,’” confided Sheriff Daniel Troyer, ruefully rubbing his temples.
Religious leaders from both communities are scrambling to mend fences (or rather, build new ones). Bishop Jeremiah Albrecht delivered a stern sermon on the virtues of turning the other cheek, while Quaker elder Harold Higgins emphasized the importance of finding common ground, perhaps over a nice cup of herbal tea (sweetened with stevia, of course).
Despite the chaos, some residents see a silver lining. “Maybe this will finally get them to settle on a decent unified buggy lane system,” sighed store owner Martha Yoder.
Only time will tell if peace can be restored to Lancaster County. But one thing is certain: next bake sale, both sides are bringing their lawyers (and maybe some tasers, just in case).
bonnet brawl
