STONED TO THE BONE, CO — Economic indicators took a highly unusual turn this morning as the Department of Labor announced the national inflation rate has officially ticked up to exactly 4.20%.
While Wall Street panicked over interest rates, America’s cannabis community immediately interpreted the data not as a warning sign of monetary devaluation, but as a cosmic mandate from the universe to get absolutely baked.
“Look, I don’t know much about macro-economics, man, but the numbers don’t lie,” said local resident Blazer McGee, 34, while trying to fit a family-sized bag of Doritos into a pocket that did not exist. “The government is giving us the green light. Literally. It’s a sign from the great celestial grower in the sky.”
Economists tried to explain that a 4.20% inflation rate means consumer purchasing power is eroding, but their warnings were completely drowned out by the sound of coughing and classic rock. Across the country, dispensaries reported lines wrapping around the block as citizens rushed to hedge against inflation by converting their rapidly depreciating fiat currency into tangible, sticky green assets.
“Think about it,” muttered a philosopher-stoner known only as Chronic Chris, while staring intensely at his own hand. “If money is losing value, but the weed still gets you high… then the weed is the stable currency, man. Gold? Bro, you can’t smoke gold. Well, I mean, you can get those 24-karat rolling papers, but that’s a whole different vibe.”
Dispensary owners are leaning heavily into the economic chaos, launching “Inflation is High (And So Are We)” sales.
“Honestly, we were worried about supply chain issues,” confessed budtender Mary Jane Cloud. “But once the index hit 4.20%, the market just corrected itself. Everyone is suddenly very invested in… higher… yields.”
At press time, the Federal Reserve was reportedly considering a statement to clarify that they are targeting a 2.0% inflation rate, to which Blazer McGee reportedly responded, “Two percent? Man, that’s mid. Live a little Scott Bessent.”
