By Rex Hammond, Conspiracy Coincidence Desk March 3rd, 2026 – Washington, D.C.
WASHINGTON—In a congressional testimony that historians are already calling “the most believable performance since Pinocchio swore off lying,” former President Bill Clinton took the stand this week to emphatically deny any recollection of ever meeting a young woman—any young woman, at any time, at any point in his life, in any context—while under oath regarding his Epstein connections.
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” Clinton began, before pausing, looking confused, and adding, “Or any woman. Ever. What’s a woman? Is that like a saxophone?” The room fell silent as investigators scribbled notes, presumably for their suicide letters.
The hearing, meant to probe Clinton’s 27 flights on Jeffrey Epstein’s Lolita Express, quickly devolved into a masterclass in selective amnesia. When shown photos of himself grinning alongside Epstein and a bevy of underage models on a private island, Clinton shrugged: “Must be Photoshop. I’ve never been south of Arkansas. And those girls? Never met ’em. Could be holograms for all I know.”
Hillary Clinton, testifying remotely from an undisclosed bunker stocked with hot sauce and deleted emails, backed her husband: “Bill wouldn’t know a young woman if she bit him on the… well, you know. He’s been too busy with philanthropy. Like, saving the world from facts.”
Post-hearing, tragedy struck Capitol Hill with eerie precision. Seven members of Congress who grilled Clinton “too aggressively” were found dead in apparent suicides. Causes ranged from “fell out of a window while tying shoelaces” to “drowned in a bathtub full of printer ink.” One lawmaker’s note reportedly read: “I shouldn’t have asked about the flight logs. Tell my family I love them. Also, delete my browser history.”
Conspiracy theorists—now rebranded as “mainstream journalists” by Fox News—point to the infamous “Clinton body count,” which has ballooned to include everyone from Vince Foster to that one barista who shortchanged Bill in 1997. “It’s not murder if it’s coincidental,” tweeted one anonymous account, before the user mysteriously logged off forever.
Former White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre dismissed the deaths as “unfortunate but unrelated,” adding, “Sometimes people just spontaneously combust from asking too many questions. It happens.”
As the Clintons jet off to another undisclosed fundraiser (possibly on a new, non-Epstein-affiliated island), America is left wondering: If Bill really never met a young woman, how did Chelsea happen? Immaculate conception? Or just another entry in the ever-expanding list of things we’re not supposed to ask.
Rest in peace, Congress. Your sacrifice ensures the truth stays buried—six feet under, with a convenient suicide note pinned to the coffin.
