Forget the Prius with the coexist bumper sticker. Forget the “Live, Laugh, Love” wall decal. Utah’s ultimate virtue signal isn’t a slogan, it’s a squirming human strapped into a $900 car seat.
In a state where contraception is treated with the same suspicion as marijuana edibles, “Baby on Board” signs aren’t just safety notices—they’re competitive scorecards. Every suburban cul-de-sac is basically a fertility Thunderdome, where victory is measured in minivans with collapsing rear suspensions.
Experts say the trend began as a way for Mormon families to alert drivers, but quickly devolved into a public flex: “Oh, you have one? Cute. We just unlocked twins.” By 2024, Utah highways looked less like roads and more like slow-moving parades of rolling maternity wards.
The state DMV has already announced a special “HOV: Holy Order of Vaginas” lane to accommodate families with six or more kids. Childless couples attempting to merge into the lane will be fined, sterilized, and forced to sit through a 12-hour seminar entitled “Making Babies for Dummies.”
Critics call the culture oppressive, but Utah parents insist it’s all about safety. “If I slap ten Baby on Board stickers across my Suburban, maybe—just maybe—someone will hesitate before rear-ending me while I’m breastfeeding, homeschooling, and driving all at the same time,” said one mother of nine while changing diapers with NASCAR-level efficiency.
And while the rest of America debates climate change, Utah remains firm: the planet isn’t overpopulated until God says it is.
