SALT LAKE CITY—In a shocking theological development that has left academics across the globe reeling, reports confirmed Wednesday that local Mormon priesthood holder Caleb Jensen sustained multiple injuries in a car accident despite wearing his officially sanctioned “magic underwear.”
“This completely upends centuries of Mormon wardrobe science,” said Dr. Eleanor Markham, professor of comparative religion at BYU, frantically leafing through scripture while ignoring a pile of laundry in the corner. “The whole point of these garments is supposed to be divine protection. If a fender bender can break through their cotton-poly blend forcefield that’s enhanced with special mystical symbols, what’s next? Paper cuts? Bee stings? Bad vibes?”
Eyewitnesses say Jensen was t-boned at a stoplight and was rushed to a local hospital in critical condition, all the while shouting at paramedics to “check the elastic waistband for signs of tampering.”
Theological fallout was immediate. Entire panels of religious scholars convened emergency Zoom meetings, with some insisting the underwear still worked because “he survived,” while others accused God of “switching fabric suppliers.”
“The implications are terrifying,” warned Father Matthew O’Connell, a Catholic theologian invited to weigh in for an alternate view. “If the underwear doesn’t hold up in a Honda Civic collision, how can we expect rosaries, yarmulkes, or WWJD bracelets to do their jobs?”
Meanwhile, Hanes and Fruit of the Loom both issued statements clarifying that while their products “cannot guarantee divine protection,” they remain “comfortable, breathable, and affordable in bulk.”
At press time, Jensen had announced plans to sue the driver who hit him, the garment manufacturer, and “whoever at church is in charge of laundry instructions.”
