TORONTO—After years of waking up frozen in fear, convinced a sinister entity lurked at the foot of his bed, local man Trevor Sanderson was shocked to learn his so-called “sleep paralysis demon” was not a malicious spirit at all, but rather Rush frontman and prog-rock douchebag Geddy Lee.
“I always thought it was some shadowy figure with glowing eyes trying to suffocate me,” Sanderson said, “but once it leaned closer and whispered in a high-pitched falsetto about a ‘modern-day warrior, mean mean stride,’ I realized, holy shit, that’s just that untalented asshole Geddy Lee.”
Medical experts say this discovery is not unique. “A lot of patients report demonic figures during sleep paralysis,” explained Dr. Caroline Mendes, “but when examined closely, many of those figures are just aging Canadian rock musicians desperately trying to plug a reissued box set.”
Witnesses describe Lee’s nightly appearances as more confusing than terrifying. Instead of hissing threats or pressing down on Sanderson’s chest, Lee simply hovers by the bed with his Rickenbacker bass, noodling a 12-minute solo while mumbling about the philosophical works of Ayn Rand.
“It’s still horrifying,” Sanderson admitted. “But not in a supernatural way—more like, ‘Oh god, this guy won’t stop trying to convince me that he made good music.’”
When reached for comment, Lee neither confirmed nor denied the accusations but did say, “If you think a demon is scary, try waking up paralyzed while I play all of 2112 in full at 3 a.m. You’ll beg for Beelzebub or death!”
Parapsychologists now advise that if one suspects a demonic presence, they should check first to see if it’s just a prog rock musician, noting sightings of Phil Collins, Rick Wakeman, and a spectral Neil Peart “who still insists on an unnecessarily large drum kit.”
