KOOTENAI COUNTY, ID — A tragicomic scene unfolded Saturday when a Seattle couple on vacation perished in rural Idaho after realizing, too late, that they had no idea how to pump their own gas.
Authorities say the couple, identified as Bryce and Madison Whitfield, pulled into a gas station near Priest River, only to sit helplessly in their Subaru Outback for over two hours waiting for an attendant who would never come.
“We thought maybe he was just on break,” said Madison in a note found on her iPhone. “We didn’t realize people here… self-serve.”
Witnesses reported the pair exiting the vehicle multiple times to inspect the pump, tapping on it like “confused raccoons,” before retreating back inside to Google instructions using spotty Idaho cell service.
“They looked terrified,” said gas station cashier Roy Hensley. “The guy kept yelling, ‘Where’s the attendant? Isn’t that illegal?’ I tried to explain, but by then they’d already collapsed into a kale-chip-induced fainting spell.”
Idaho officials later confirmed the couple died of starvation, despite being parked ten feet away from a rack of Slim Jims.
The Washington State Department of Transportation has long warned of this danger. “Our citizens are simply unprepared for life without gas attendants,” said spokesperson Erin Duffy. “These are people who think a fuel nozzle is an emotional support device.”
At press time, Seattle lawmakers were reportedly considering a bill to mandate “gas pumping literacy courses” for any resident attempting to cross state lines.
