BOULDER, CO – In a development that would shock literally no one familiar with the decision-making skills of a fraternity composite picture, a group of toga-clad young men at Sigma Tau Epsilon (allegedly) learned a valuable lesson this weekend: sometimes, internet cocktail “hacks” dreamt up by basement dwellers are, well, just that.
The saga began with a dubious online recipe titled “The Bro-Tail”: a potent concoction of peach brandy and cinnamon schnapps, promising a night of “legendary smoothness” and “unforgettable (but probably forgettable) experiences.”
“It sounded perfect, dude,” slurred Chad “Chugsworth” McBrosevelt (19), nursing a throbbing headache and a newfound appreciation for hydration. “Peaches? Cinnamon? How could it go wrong?”
Apparently, in a multitude of ways. Multiple members of Sigma Tau Epsilon (allegedly) reported experiencing a symphony of unpleasant side effects, including (but not limited to) heartburn so intense it could melt a keg, a newfound appreciation for the porcelain throne, and a crippling fear of anything remotely resembling a fuzzy peach.
Medical professionals are unsurprised. “Mixing sugary schnapps with high-proof brandy is a recipe for disaster, not debauchery,” said Dr. Chad “Hangover Helper” Kensington, a leading expert in fraternity-related medical emergencies. “These young men would be better off sticking to water and basic social skills.”
Social media, naturally, is having a field day. Memes featuring photos of grimacing frat boys captioned “The Bro-Tail: More like the Bro-Fail” are flooding Twitter and Instagram. Rival fraternity Delta Kappa Epsilon (allegedly) even sent over a fruit basket and a “Get Well Soon” card, though some speculate it might have been laced with laxatives.
The members of Sigma Tau Epsilon (allegedly) remain tight-lipped about the incident. However, sources report a newfound appreciation for responsible drinking and a healthy fear of anything advertised as a “legendary” party hack.
One thing’s for sure: the annals of frat house folklore have a new cautionary tale. Future generations of toga-clad revelers will be wise to remember the fateful night of the Bro-Tail, a testament to the age-old truth: sometimes, the best party hack is a little bit of common sense.
frat house mystery, frat house mystery
