SACRAMENTO, CA — Celebrating what they call a “historic milestone in eco-friendly futility,” California officials and environmental groups proudly announced that spillage from non-vented, C.A.R.B.-compliant gas cans has now exceeded one quadrillion gallons worldwide.
“This is proof our regulations work,” beamed C.A.R.B. spokesperson Tyler Greenleaf while standing knee-deep in a shimmering puddle of unleaded. “Before our program, people could easily pour gasoline into a lawnmower without spilling half of it on the driveway. That kind of reckless efficiency is unacceptable in the 21st century.”
The controversial gas cans, which are designed to never open, never vent, and never quite pour correctly, have transformed routine yardwork into an Olympic-level endurance sport. Studies confirm that 83% of homeowners now spend more time fighting their cans than actually mowing their lawns, while the other 17% simply torch their lawns out of frustration.
“My grandfather filled a chainsaw in three seconds flat,” said Utah resident Bill Morrison. “I’ve been out here for 45 minutes trying to refuel my weed whacker, and at this point the weeds have unionized.”
Despite the quadrillion-gallon loss — enough to drown every Prius on Earth in premium unleaded — environmentalists praised the achievement. “Every spilled drop reminds us that progress is messy,” said Sierra Club activist Marla Jenkins. “And flammable. And likely seeping into your aquifer. But messy nonetheless.”
At press time, C.A.R.B. officials announced the next phase of regulation: a gas can nozzle so advanced it requires a six-digit PIN, a retinal scan, and a signed affidavit to release a single drop.
