LINDON, UT — In a display of raw, unfiltered audacity, local 49-year-old brother-in-law and basement enthusiast, Todd Spastic, shocked family members Sunday by remaining asleep at the agreed-upon 10:30 a.m. start time for his big move back into Mom and Dad’s basement.
When finally woken, Todd reportedly stretched, yawned, and announced: “Yeah, I don’t really feel like doing this today. I’d rather just sleep.”
“Which is great,” said sister-in-law Karen, balancing a dresser down a flight of stairs. “Because the rest of us totally wanted to spend our Sunday hauling his shit for free, while he heroically napped like some kind of unemployed Roman emperor.”
Not a single box was packed. Not a single trash bag filled. What he did have ready, however, was a buffet of drug paraphernalia artfully scattered about the room like it was a gallery exhibit titled “Bong Water and Regret.”
Mid-move, our noble hero suggested a trip to Burger King. Not to grab lunch for the crew, of course—just for himself. This was an energy source crucial to sustaining the monumental task of sitting down while other people carried his futon.
And then came the pièce de résistance: the bed. A motorized, posture correcting version typically reserved for the geriatric, and weighing close to “a million pounds,” it proved far too mighty for his fragile frame. So, in a moment that will be remembered for generations, Todd’s sister stepped in to out-muscle him and get the thing moved, while he stood by playing the role of concerned onlooker. A skill Todd carefully crafted via thousands of hours of playing video games in various basements.
Gas money? Gratitude? A simple “thanks”? Don’t be ridiculous. The real treasure was the honor of basking in his vibe.
In conclusion, if laziness were an Olympic sport, Todd Spastic wouldn’t just take the gold—he’d ask someone else to carry it home for him.
