BETHESDA, MD. — He’s long been accused of warmongering, but this week federal authorities confirmed what many Americans suspected all along: former National Security Advisor John Bolton’s mustache was hiding far more sinister secrets.
In a dramatic dawn raid, FBI agents stormed Bolton’s suburban home and emerged clutching a binder labeled “Top Secret: Original Recipe.” Officials later confirmed it contained the legendary 11 herbs and spices — the holy grail of Colonel Sanders’ chicken empire.
“We thought we’d find classified documents from the Bush era,” admitted one agent, still brushing flour off his tactical vest. “Instead, we uncovered oregano, paprika, and something called ‘spicy wizard dust’ that could destabilize entire regions if released.”
Neighbors described the raid as chaotic but delicious. “I smelled fried chicken as soon as the batter mix hit the lawn,” said Karen Yates, who lives across the street. “Next thing you know, FBI vans are pulling out with buckets stacked on the dashboard.”
Bolton has denied wrongdoing, claiming the recipe was merely “research” for a forthcoming memoir tentatively titled How I Seasoned the Middle East.
“This was not theft,” Bolton barked to reporters, clutching a drumstick. “This was preemptive seasoning. If we hadn’t secured the 11 herbs and spices, hostile actors surely would have.”
At press time, federal officials confirmed the recipe would be stored in the same secure facility as the nuclear launch codes and Hunter Biden’s crack cocaine, citing “national security and tweaker preparedness.”
