CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a shocking development that surprised absolutely no one, Harvard Law’s most awkward houseguest, Alan Dershowitz — widely known as “America’s Uncle Creep” — has once again reminded the world that when it comes to the age of consent, he’s got opinions nobody asked for.
Dershowitz, whose resume already includes defending O.J., Epstein, and apparently Satan during a slow news week, previously argued in a 1997 op-ed that 15 was a “reasonable” age of consent. Because nothing says “distinguished legal mind” like trying to legislate prom night.
When asked recently about his past comments, Dershowitz doubled down, insisting that it wasn’t a moral stance, but a constitutional one — the legal equivalent of “I’m not a creep, I’m just really into technicalities.” Scholars noted this is the same argument used by every middle-aged guy in cargo shorts who insists that “technically, it’s not illegal to grill shirtless in a Chuck E. Cheese parking lot.”
“Look, it’s about constitutional consistency,” Dershowitz explained, carefully polishing his collection of signed Epstein flight logs. “If a teenager has the right to terminate a pregnancy, shouldn’t they also have the right to… well, you get it.” Unfortunately, yes Alan, we all get it, and we’d like to stop getting it immediately.
Critics have suggested Dershowitz focus on less creepy causes, such as the right to free Wi-Fi, or the constitutional protection of socks with sandals. But sources close to Dershowitz say he remains committed to being the weird uncle at America’s legal family reunion — the one you pray doesn’t corner you with a glass of sherry to talk about “bodily autonomy.”
For now, Dershowitz insists his position is “strictly academic,” which is exactly what every uncomfortable Thanksgiving dinner table says before changing the subject to football.
