SEDONA, AZ — Local mystic and part-time Etsy shop owner Raven Starfall was left “physically trembling” Tuesday after drawing what experts confirm is the single most terrifying card in the entire Tarot deck: The Get A Job card.
Depicted as a pale figure in khakis clutching a W-2, the card is said to foretell stable employment, dental insurance, and the crushing burden of a 401(k).
“It was worse than Death, worse than The Tower, worse than Mercury in retrograde,” sobbed Starfall, clutching her deck of cat-themed Tarot cards. “The message was clear: clock in at 9, clock out at 5, wear a lanyard. I’m not spiritually ready for that.”
Astrologers across Sedona confirmed the card is rarely pulled but, when it appears, it heralds horrors such as interviews with HR, “team-building exercises,” and the dreaded “annual performance review.”
“I’ve seen people faint on the spot,” said occult historian Dr. Miranda Leigh. “One woman pulled it and woke up employed at State Farm.”
Meanwhile, the National Association of Tarot Professionals (NATP) released a statement urging calm, reminding practitioners that “sometimes The Get A Job card is metaphorical — meaning the universe just wants you to stop selling dreamcatchers on Etsy and at least pay rent on time.”
At press time, Starfall was reportedly attempting to banish the card by burning sage, only to discover it had transformed into an offer letter from Costco.
