GIZA, EGYPT — In what archaeologists are calling the most baffling historical revision since “dinosaurs on the ark,” new archeological evidence confirms that the Great Pyramid of Giza was constructed in less than a month by a team of time-traveling Mexican contractors in reflective vests who “just needed something to do between jobs.”
The crew, reportedly dispatched from a Home Depot parking lot in 2025, materialized beside the Nile with a flatbed trailer, Bluetooth speakers blasting Banda Machos, and an inexplicable amount of rebar.
“They pulled up in a 2012 Ford F-350, drank a Red Bull, and started laying limestone like they’d been doing it for centuries,” said Dr. Amelia Ford, lead researcher at the Institute for Chrono-Architectural Studies. “Within a month, the pyramid was up, perfectly level, and they were already haggling over whether to start on the Sphinx.”
Timecards and Tool Belts Found Inside Hidden Chamber
Among the new evidence recovered from deep within the pyramid: a Stanley FatMax tape measure, several discarded gas station burrito wrappers, and a laminated bid labeled “One Pyramid – Labor Only – Materials Not Included.”
Historians now believe the builders returned to the present immediately after completing the job, using leftover quantum energy harvested from a malfunctioning Ryobi circular saw.
“I always wondered how they aligned the blocks so perfectly,” said conspiracy theorist-turned-believer Dale Withers. “Turns out it wasn’t aliens, it was latino’s with access to the Home Depot Pro app.”
UNESCO Demands Permit Documentation
UNESCO officials are reportedly in a panic, as the revelation throws centuries of architectural history into chaos — not to mention the awkward realization that no building permits were filed.
“It’s humbling to realize that a sacred world wonder might’ve been assembled by guys who advertise on Craigslist as ‘Handyman/No Job Too Big’,” said cultural historian Dr. Leena Ahmed.
Still, Egyptians appear to be taking the news in stride. A new tourism campaign has already launched with the tagline: “Más Rápido. Más Fuerte. Más Fino.” No Egyptian knows that that means, but they look forward to new opportunities to rip tourists off.
