PROVO, UT — Mormon Family Finally Uses Last Roll of Toilet Paper From COVID-Era Hoard; Local Economy Braces for Impact. In a moment that felt equal parts historical and apocalyptic, the Jensen family of Provo announced Thursday that they have officially used the last roll of toilet paper from the mountain of pandemic-era supplies they panic-bought in March 2020.
“We knew this day would come, but we weren’t prepared for the emotions,” said patriarch Steve Jensen as he solemnly placed the cardboard tube on the mantle next to a framed Come, Follow Me manual. “It’s the end of an era. The Lord giveth, the Costco taketh away.”
Neighbors report hearing muffled sobs and the faint sound of someone softly humming Nearer, My God, to Thee as the family unwrapped the sacred final roll from its original Costco packaging, which they had preserved “for spiritual reasons and resale value.”
A Fortress of Two-Ply Faith
During the height of the pandemic, the Jensen home was known as “Fort Charmin” due to its labyrinth of bathroom tissue towers that reportedly doubled as a food storage annex and—briefly—a makeshift baptismal font.
“We thought we were being prudent,” said matriarch Karen Jensen. “You know, a year’s supply of wheat, beans, and enough toilet paper to wrap the Nauvoo Temple twice. We didn’t expect it to last this long, but the Lord’s blessings are mysterious—and apparently quilted.”
Kids React Like It’s the Great Depression
The Jensen children, now 7 and 10, have never known a world without an entire basement dedicated to bathroom paper security.
“I thought everybody had a TP room,” said little Emma, clutching a single square like a family heirloom. “What if Target runs out again? What if Dad makes us use the Family Cloth Grandma talks about? I’m not ready for pioneer times!”
Economic Fallout
Local analysts warn that the Jensen’s depletion of their stockpile may send ripples through the regional market. Provo’s Costco has already reported a sudden surge in suspiciously familiar Jensen family members, all wearing wigs and fake mustaches while attempting to buy in bulk.
“We haven’t seen a run on Charmin this serious since that guy tried to buy it all with Bitcoin in 2021,” said store manager Dale Peterson. “If the Jensens are out, the entire Utah Valley could be one bad taco night away from collapse.”
Church Leaders Weigh In
When asked about the situation, a local LDS bishop offered calm reassurance:
“In times of trial, we turn to faith, prayer, and whatever’s left in the pantry. Also, I happen to know the stake president has six bales of Kirkland Signature hidden behind his year’s supply of green Jell-O.”
A Legacy of Wipe-Preparedness
As the final roll dwindled, the Jensen family held a short devotional, thanking God, Costco, and the spirit of preparedness.
“We lived through a pandemic, inflation, and three years of Taco Tuesdays,” said Steve. “If that last roll could talk, it would testify of endurance, faith, and the importance of buying in bulk.”
At press time, the Jensens were reportedly considering bronzing the cardboard tube for display or auctioning it off at the next ward fundraiser, where early bids include a pan of funeral potatoes and one slightly used food dehydrator.
