By Carmella Sinistra, Eternal City Correspondent
VATICAN CITY – The Holy See is officially leaderless. Pope Francis, age 88, has passed, and the Church is now plunged into that sacred limbo known as sede vacante — or in plain Latin, “God’s out of office.”
Cue the cardinals: 135 crimson-robed men over 50, most of them fluent in both theology and long silences, now en route to Rome for the time-honored conclave — essentially Survivor: Vatican Edition, minus the torches, plus a lot more incense.
The Sistine Chapel will soon become the most exclusive and uncomfortable Airbnb on Earth. There’s no Wi-Fi, no texting, and no door dashing divine inspiration. Just whispered alliances, secret ballots, and judgmental stares so intense they could qualify as a sin.
“This is a deeply spiritual moment,” claimed Cardinal Bruni of Florence, while quietly removing three other names from his rosary’s “Do Not Elect” list.
Early favorites include Cardinal Tagle, known for his smile and suspicious humility, and Cardinal Parolin, whose Vatican résumé reads like a Bond villain’s CV. But here’s the real question that no one dares to ask aloud:
Are they picking the man with the holiest track record… or the fewest lawsuits?
Whispers in the marble corridors suggest a disturbing scoring system — one insider joked that it’s “less about the Book of Life, more about not being listed in the Boston Globe archives.” Dark joke? Yes. But in a Church still dragging its scandals like a censer full of smoke and shame, it’s the ghost in the room.
The conclave is set to begin in early May. Until then, the Vatican chimney remains dormant, its smoke signals on standby. Once white smoke appears, the world will know a decision has been made — and one man will step out to greet the faithful, draped in white, wondering if he just got blessed… or cursed.
In the meantime, the rest of us are left waiting, watching, and praying that this time, the Holy Spirit has better taste.
Smoke on the Horizon Smoke on the Horizon
