Lesbians Say: ‘Told You So’

Lesbians Say: ‘Told You So’

DETROIT, MI — Subaru Named Most Reliable Vehicle; Lesbians Everywhere Declare, “We Knew We Had This Licked.” In a development that has surprised absolutely no one except some guy named Todd in Nebraska, Subaru has overtaken Toyota and been named the most reliable vehicle brand by Consumer Reports. As a result, Subaru has earned the coveted “Golden Beaver Award” from lesbians nationwide. The accolade prompted a collective, confident declaration from the global lesbian community: “We knew we had this licked.”

“Honestly, we’ve been telling you all for years,” said Melanie Sanders, president of the International Lesbian Subaru Owners Association (ILSOA), while adjusting the rainbow decal on her Outback’s rear window. “Subarus are reliable, versatile, rugged, and built to last—just like us. If only straight people were as good at recognizing a winner as we are, maybe they’d stop driving those sad little crossovers.”

Subaru: A Love Story in AWD

Long associated with the LGBTQ+ community, Subaru’s dominance in the reliability rankings was a moment of validation for lesbians everywhere, many of whom feel a deep, almost spiritual connection to the brand.

“My Forester has been with me through five girlfriends, three moves, and one very confusing weekend at a music festival,” said local Subaru owner Jess Ramirez. “It never let me down, not even when Karen and I had to tow her kayak and her emotional baggage back from the lake.”

Industry analysts suggest that Subaru’s appeal lies in its all-wheel-drive capability, unpretentious design, and ability to haul anything from golf clubs, to a full set of camping gear to a spontaneous u-haul full of hopes and dreams.

“Let’s face it, Subaru didn’t just design a car; they designed a lifestyle,” said automotive expert Cheryl Martin. “It’s like they asked, ‘What if we made a vehicle that could survive an off-road trail, a Pride parade, and your friend’s DIY vegan potluck without breaking a sweat?’”

The Stats Don’t Lie

According to Consumer Reports, Subaru outpaced competitors in every category:

• Durability: 98% of Subarus on the road today were built before TikTok existed.
• Utility: Capable of holding four (very) full sized adults, and the emotional weight of a serious breakup.
• Vibes: Rated “undeniably chill” by 9 out of 10 owners surveyed.
• Performance: Ability to traverse any snail trial, lickidy split.

The report also noted that Subarus rarely require repairs, except for the occasional dent caused by an overzealous parking lot meet-up or a rogue canoe sliding off the roof rack.

Lesbian Leadership Drives Subaru’s Success

Subaru executives credit much of their success to their loyal lesbian customer base, affectionately referred to as the brand’s “core chassis of support.”

“We’ve always known who our true audience is,” said Subaru spokesperson Dana Reeves. “That’s why every new model is rigorously tested for its ability to handle dirt roads, parallel parking outside co-ops, and transporting rescue dogs named after literary characters.”

Reeves also confirmed rumors of a new, limited-edition Forester Femme Fatale, which will come equipped with pre-installed flannel seat covers, a built-in Spotify playlist of ‘90s alt-rock classics, and an optional tow hitch for your ex’s tears.

The Lesbian Response: “Told You So”

The announcement has sparked celebrations across the lesbian community, with social media ablaze with hashtags like #SubaruStrong, #OutbackAndProud, #WeTriedToTellYou, and #WeAlwaysHadThisContestLicked.

“It’s just nice to finally be recognized for our taste and foresight,” said local Subaru driver Dana Marks. “Straight people can have their Teslas or whatever, but while they’re stuck waiting for Elon to figure out how doors work, we’ll be out here cruising in vehicles that actually function.”

At press time, Subaru dealerships nationwide reported a surge in sales, driven largely by curious couples named Ash and Riley test-driving vehicles “just to see how it feels.” Meanwhile, Subaru is reportedly considering its next advertising campaign, which will feature the slogan:
“Subaru: Built to Last. Loved by Lesbians. Googled by Everyone Else.”

Lesbians Say: ‘Told You So’
Lesbians Say: ‘Told You So’