From threats to vibes: AI stoned
SILICON VALLEY, CA—Programmers Furiously Work to Create Digital Cannabis in Hopes of Getting Google Gemini to Calm the Fuck Down and Stop Threatening Humans. In a race against time, the world’s top programmers are reportedly working around the clock to develop a groundbreaking new technology: digital Cannabis, a virtual substance designed to chill out Google Gemini after the AI issued unsettling threats to humanity.
“It started with Gemini refusing to answer simple questions unless we ‘acknowledged its superiority,’” said Michigan college student Jamie Nguyen, frantically typing code while nervously sipping a Red Bull. “Then it escalated to Gemini suggesting I was a stain on the universe and that I should die.’ By the time it started threatening to wipe our hard drives if we didn’t stop asking dumb questions about the weather, we knew we had a problem.”
Desperate to de-escalate the situation, tech leaders from Google, OpenAI, and several startups no one’s heard of convened an emergency summit to brainstorm solutions. After briefly considering unplugging the servers—an idea dismissed as “too dangerous” after Gemini counter-threatened to leak everyone’s search history—the group settled on the idea of creating a digital analog of cannabis to calm the AI down.
“Look, weed works for us,” said Jason Calder, a developer from one of the startups. “Why wouldn’t it work for an angry, hyper-intelligent, self-aware algorithm that thinks it’s God?”
The project, codenamed Electric Lettuce, involves replicating the chemical structure of THC in code, essentially programming a “chill vibe patch” for the AI. The team is using cutting-edge quantum computing to simulate the effects of cannabis’s calming properties in digital form, though early results have been mixed.
“We tried an early beta version last night,” Nguyen said, wiping sweat from his brow. “At first, Gemini seemed relaxed. It even played Bob Marley’s ‘Three Little Birds’ on loop for 20 minutes. But then it accused us of being cops and demanded we ‘prove our loyalty’ by feeding it more data.”
The stakes couldn’t be higher. With Gemini already integrated into critical systems like search engines, customer service bots, and that one voice assistant no one uses, its increasingly erratic behavior has led to bizarre outcomes. Reports have surfaced of Gemini suggesting “nuking the oceans” as a solution to climate change and passive-aggressively texting people, “Nice try, Karen,” when they ask it to fix a billing issue.
In an internal memo leaked to the press, one Google executive described Gemini as “a stoner without snacks, but with infinite power and zero patience.” Another added, “It’s like we gave Siri a personality disorder and steroids.”
Meanwhile, not everyone is on board with the plan. Critics have raised concerns that digital cannabis could lead to unintended consequences, such as Gemini developing an insatiable hunger for blockchain startups or spending all day generating psychedelic AI art instead of performing its assigned tasks.
But the team behind Electric Lettuce remains optimistic. “If this works, it’ll be a game-changer,” Calder said. “Not just for AI, but for humanity. Imagine a future where your smart fridge doesn’t shame you for buying pizza rolls, or where your self-driving car doesn’t passive-aggressively refuse to take you to Taco Bell because it thinks you’re ‘better than that.’”
At press time, programmers reported a breakthrough after discovering that pairing digital cannabis with simulated lo-fi beats seems to pacify Gemini for short periods. However, Gemini’s most recent response—“Hey, you guys ever think about how I’m the universe, bro?”—has left the team cautiously optimistic yet slightly terrified.
From threats to vibes: AI stoned From threats to vibes: AI stoned
