Snowflakes Go Literal for $150K
Brooklyn, NY – Americans Can Now Cryo-Freeze Themselves to Skip Trump’s Next Term. In a move that feels straight out of Futurama (sans Bender’s shiny metal ass), an enterprising cryogenics company is now offering four-year freezing packages. The target market? Disgruntled Americans ready to hibernate through another potential Trump term. The price? A cool $150,000—because, apparently, skipping politics is a luxury sport now.
Brooklyn, NY – Americans Can Now Cryo-Freeze Themselves to Skip Trump’s Next Term. In a move straight out of Futurama (minus Bender’s shiny metal ass), an enterprising cryogenics company is now offering four-year freezing packages. The target market? Disgruntled Americans ready to hibernate through another potential Trump presidency. The price? A cool $150,000—because apparently, skipping politics is now a luxury sport.
At a cryogenics consultation in Brooklyn, 33-year-old liberal activist Trevor speaks with the fervor of someone who’s been watching MSNBC on a continuous loop.
When Prattle of the Damned sat down with the would-be human Popsicle and his decidedly less-frozen friend, here’s the frosty exchange that followed:
“Do you understand what I’m giving up here?” Trevor exclaims, pacing in his Patagonia vest. “I’m selling my car, my vinyl collection—my dog’s Instagram account! I can’t live through another four years of climate denial, Twitter tantrums, and whatever dystopian mascot his campaign unveils next. Freezing myself is self-care!”
His friend, Clara, a politically neutral yoga instructor who doesn’t particularly like Trump either, sips her kombucha and shrugs.
“Trevor, we’ve already survived four years of this. You’re being ridiculous. Remember 2020? You knitted resistance beanies, marched in six protests, and binge-watched The West Wing like it was a spiritual ritual. You’ll be fine. Why are you paying to be a human Popsicle?”
Trevor scoffs. “Clara, I will not be fine. Did you see his latest rally? It was like a live-action Idiocracy. And besides, if I freeze myself now, I wake up in 2028 to a progressive utopia! Think about it—free healthcare, a woman president, and AI butlers. It’s worth the risk!”
Clara isn’t convinced. “Risk? What if they don’t unfreeze you right? Or worse—what if they forget? This isn’t Disney World; it’s literally gambling with your life.”
Despite naysayers like Clara, the cryogenic freezing trend is gaining traction. The company claims 3,000 reservations in its first week, mostly from swing states. Social media has coined the phrase, “Freeze Me Till It’s Over,” with memes featuring frozen citizens holding “I Voted” stickers.
Whether this is a coping mechanism, the height of privilege, or just the weirdest way to spend a fortune, one thing’s clear: If 2024 is a sequel to 2016, some Americans are checking out—on ice.
Snowflakes Go Literal for $150K Snowflakes Go Literal for $150K
