Lunar strip show? Not quite
LUNAR ORBIT — Internet Perverts Turn to Astronomy in Hopes of Unfiltered, Unedited Glimpse of the Beaver Moon. As November’s “Beaver Moon” graced the skies, amateur astronomers found their telescopes hijacked by a new crowd of enthusiasts: internet perverts desperately seeking an unfiltered, raw, and unedited look at what they believed might be the most scandalous celestial event of the year.
“Beaver Moon? I mean, come on, how could I not look?” said Chad “CosmoFan69” Hendricks, a 37-year-old self-described “astrological deviant” who spent last night feverishly Googling how to use a telescope for the first time. “This is the closest thing we’ve got to OnlyFans in space, and I’m here for it.”
The Beaver Moon, traditionally named for the November full moon marking the season when fur trappers historically set their beaver traps, has no actual risqué connotations. However, this hasn’t stopped thousands of thirsty internet users from treating it like some kind of lunar strip show.
“It’s the phrasing, man,” said forum moderator and astronomer Mary “Stargazer27” Dawson, who struggled to keep her once-serene space exploration subreddit free of lewd comments this week. “Every time NASA tweeted about the Beaver Moon, my inbox was flooded with questions like, ‘How close can I zoom in?’ and ‘Will it show fur details?’ I had to ban a guy for asking if the moon could ‘twerk.’”
Telescope retailers have reported record sales in recent weeks, with many customers explicitly asking if the equipment could provide “HD clarity” or “high-res zoom with no parental filters.” One retailer confirmed that at least three callers had asked if their telescopes came with a privacy mode.
“I don’t even know what that means,” said Susan Cleary, a customer service representative at AstroLens. “I had a guy ask me if he could ‘see the moon’s lunar labia.’ I told him it’s a sphere, and he just whispered, ‘Nice.’ Then he hung up.”
Even professional observatories weren’t safe from the sudden influx of dubious interest. The Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles reported that its usual crowd of stargazers was joined by individuals asking staff about “optimal viewing angles” for “moon cheeks.”
“You try explaining lunar phases to a guy wearing sunglasses at night who keeps giggling every time you say ‘waxing gibbous,’” said Dr. Harold Trent, the observatory’s director.
On Twitter, the hashtag #BeaverMoon began trending as users posted suggestive memes, poorly Photoshopped images, and clips of their telescopic attempts to catch “a sneak peek.” The real Beaver Moon, a glowing, unblemished orb hanging peacefully in the sky, was predictably overshadowed by the Internet’s collective horniness.
NASA issued an official statement in an attempt to redirect the conversation toward actual astronomy: “The Beaver Moon is a breathtaking example of our planet’s relationship with its celestial neighbor. It has nothing to do with… whatever you think it does.”
Despite NASA’s best efforts, one TikToker’s livestream titled “Beaver Moon Live: No Paywall!” garnered over 2 million views before cutting out when the streamer realized he’d accidentally pointed his telescope at a neighbor’s porch light.
Experts are hopeful that the thirst will subside as people realize the Beaver Moon, like most full moons, is entirely G-rated and devoid of anything even remotely titillating. However, with December’s “Cold Moon” fast approaching, astronomers are bracing for another influx of questionable inquiries.
“Great,” sighed Dr. Trent, already dreading what’s to come. “I can already hear them asking if the Cold Moon comes with… stiff nipples.”
Lunar strip show? Not quite Lunar strip show? Not quite
