Round 1: Who’s Jake Paul?
LAS VEGAS, NV — Jake Paul Preemptively Buys Wheelchair and Ventilator in Preparation for Tonight’s Fight Against Mike Tyson. YouTube star turned boxer Jake Paul is taking no chances ahead of his highly anticipated fight against boxing legend Mike Tyson tonight, preemptively purchasing a state-of-the-art wheelchair and a top-of-the-line ventilator as part of his post-match recovery plan.
“Look, I’m not saying I’m going to lose,” Paul announced during a pre-fight press conference while adjusting the seat-belt on his new mobility scooter, “but, like, statistically, if you’re fighting a guy who once hospitalized a heavyweight champion with a glare, it’s smart to plan ahead.”
The 26-year-old social media provocateur has spared no expense on his emergency equipment, ordering a ventilator with gold-plated tubing and an ergonomic wheelchair equipped with Bluetooth speakers and cup holders. “If I do get knocked out, I want to roll out of the hospital in style,” Paul added, sipping from a protein shake labeled “Post-Knockout Blend.”
Tyson, 57, whose punches are still reportedly strong enough to knock the memories out of a man’s skull, laughed when asked about Paul’s purchases. “Smart kid,” Tyson said between bites of an ear-shaped gummy. “He’ll need it. Actually, he should’ve added a neck brace and prepaid for some dental work, just to be safe.”
Sources close to Paul report that he spent the week leading up to the fight binge-watching Grey’s Anatomy and googling phrases like “Can your brain grow back after severe trauma?” and “How long in a coma before it’s legally a vacation?”
“I’m not scared,” Paul assured reporters, his voice slightly trembling. “This is all just precautionary. I mean, yeah, Tyson is literally a human wrecking ball who could turn me into a human accordion, but I’ve got youth on my side. And TikTok. I don’t think Mike’s ready for my TikTok energy.”
Despite his outward bravado, Paul has also taken steps to soften the blow from potential Tyson-induced injuries. Insiders reveal he’s arranged for a team of EMTs to stand ringside, armed with smelling salts, a defibrillator, and what one source described as “enough gauze to mummify a rhino.”
The event has drawn significant attention, with many fans eagerly awaiting the matchup, not for its athletic merit but for the inevitable moment when Tyson’s fist meets Paul’s overconfident jaw. “It’s not every day you get to watch a TikToker learn about humility in real-time,” said one fan outside the venue.
As for the fight itself, betting odds heavily favor Tyson, with one bookmaker even offering a special bet: “Will Jake Paul remember his name by the end of Round 1?” Paul remains unfazed, however, insisting that his cardio training and strategic trash-talking will give him the edge.
“I’ve got a strategy,” Paul said, rolling away from the press conference in his wheelchair. “If I can keep Tyson laughing, he might pull his punches. Or at least not hit me hard enough to liquefy my organs.”
Whether or not the ventilator will see action remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: viewers tuning in tonight are in for what promises to be either the fight of the year or a cautionary tale about overconfidence, viral fame, and the importance of knowing your limits.
Round 1: Who’s Jake Paul? Round 1: Who’s Jake Paul?
