The Beyoncé of beverages lands
Brooklyn, NY – Hipster Bartender Invents Gayest Drink Ever: The Pumpkin Spice Martini. In a groundbreaking move that has shaken the artisanal cocktail scene to its very core, local hipster bartender Jasper “Jazz” McAllister has unveiled what industry experts are already hailing as “the gayest drink ever”: the Pumpkin Spice Martini.
Described as “equal parts fall sweater-weather fantasy and unapologetic diva energy,” the drink has taken McAllister’s Brooklyn bar, Barrel & Faux, by storm, with patrons lining up around the block for a taste of what has been dubbed “the Beyoncé of beverages.”
“I wanted to create something that was so seasonal, so extra, and so unashamedly fabulous that it would simultaneously break every stereotype and embrace them all at once,” McAllister explained while adjusting his non-prescription Warby Parker glasses. “It’s not just a drink—it’s a statement. It says, ‘I’m here, I’m queer, and I taste like a cozy autumn walk through Central Park.’”
The Pumpkin Spice Martini, lovingly served in a gold-rimmed martini glass with a garnish of organic, locally-sourced cinnamon stick (handpicked, of course), is an audacious mix of vodka, pumpkin spice syrup, almond milk foam, and a dash of glitter—because as McAllister quips, “If your drink isn’t sparkling, are you even living?”
“It’s like all the most basic parts of me exploded in a glass,” said regular patron and self-proclaimed PSL fanatic, Devon Greenfield, while snapping an Instagram story of his third Pumpkin Spice Martini of the night. “I can feel it warming my soul and elevating my brunch aesthetic simultaneously. Also, my gaydar has never been sharper.”
The drink is, of course, served with a vegan marshmallow on the side and is available only during the magical window between the autumn equinox and the first sighting of a Starbucks holiday cup. “We’re not monsters,” McAllister assured. “We know when to make an exit. We’re not the Peppermint Mocha.”
Despite the obvious niche appeal, the Pumpkin Spice Martini has garnered a shocking level of success across a diverse spectrum of bar-goers, from bachelorette parties embracing their inner “basic” to impeccably dressed men comparing its flavor profile to a Broadway show tune in liquid form.
“We had no idea the world was ready for this,” said Ruby Collins, a local drag queen who moonlights as a mixologist at Barrel & Faux. “It’s a cocktail, but it’s also a revolution. You sip it, and suddenly you’re ready to stage a full musical number in your living room. You’re texting your ex and telling him that you do in fact deserve better, all while planning a trip to a pumpkin patch. It’s that powerful.”
Not everyone, however, is on board with the new trend. The drink has already sparked controversy among bartenders clinging to the purity of classic cocktail culture. “This is an affront to everything mixology stands for,” complained Richard “The Purist” Donahue, who runs a speakeasy that exclusively serves cocktails created before 1930. “Pumpkin spice has no place in a martini. And glitter? GLITTER? What is this, a bar or a Lisa Frank fever dream?”
But McAllister remains unfazed by the haters. “Honey, some people are just mad because they peaked at the Old Fashioned,” he said, winking while expertly shaking up another Pumpkin Spice Martini. “We’re not just mixing drinks here—we’re mixing joy, sass, and a little bit of queer magic.”
In an attempt to cash in on the cocktail’s popularity, McAllister is already working on new iterations, such as the “Pumpkin Spice Rosé Spritz” and the “Espresso-Tini with Fall Vibes.” Rumor has it that next season’s pièce de résistance will be the “Salted Caramel Cosmo,” though McAllister has yet to confirm.
In the meantime, one thing is certain: with the Pumpkin Spice Martini firmly established as the official drink of fall for anyone within a 10-mile radius of an Urban Outfitters, the humble PSL has been dethroned, and Starbucks is reportedly shaking in its Ugg boots.
When asked about the future of his creation, McAllister shrugged, “I mean, sure, it’s gay, but it could be gayer. My next project? A martini that literally sings RuPaul’s Drag Race catchphrases at you with every sip. Stay tuned, darlings.”
The Beyoncé of beverages lands The Beyoncé of beverages lands
